Pudgy Indian

"Lovers will always chase your shadows,"
Spirit told me.
"Especially at dawn
when they see how long
and tall
you could be
but when noon comes
and reality hits
and they see what they've gotten themselves into...
they will ALWAYS be disappointed."

I'm sad and depressed.
I have over 40 years left in this life.
"Does it have to always be that way?"

"Look,"
Spirit says.
"You will live a long,
happy,
and productive life.
Just because you won't get
the one thing you've always wanted:
to be loved for who you are
by a Lover
doesn't mean life will be bad.
Just lonely.
Big deal."

My shoulders hunch forward
in my own disappointement.

"Lovers will always chase your shadows
at dawn and at dusk
but when reality hits at noon
and there are no shadows to be cast
they will always be disappointed in the reality
of who you are.
Lovers will always Love the fantasy
and not the man.

"No big deal, Brother,"
spirit says.
"Life is Good!
There is power in that knowledge
like the power in the knowledge
of knowing you'll live into your 80's.
You know two things now:
You'll live into your 80's
and no Lover will ever Love you for who you are.

"You could stop spending your energy
wanting that fantasy to come true.
You could stop chasing shadows and lies
yourself.
You can use that energy for something else.
You yourself
can stop chasing shadows of a fantasy world
and live long and happy
without a lover to share your heart.
You have friends that can help with that.
Live your life well
and do what you can to change the world.

"Stop chasing shadows,
Eugene.
You'll never get what you want from a Lover.
No one will ever Love you for who you are.
You will ALWAYS dissapoint.
Now you have knowledge.
Hold your head up
and walk through your life.
Live well.
Stop chasing shadows
and you will be happy.

"Of course,
I know you will have to heal from this.
You've wanted Love so strongly
You've worked hard to achieve it
and to no avail.
You did good...kinda,
but it is not for you.
Knowing you should give up that idea
is a hard and good thing.
You get to mourn the loss
of something you've always wanted
but will never have.

"So when the tears come
let the come,
but when you are done crying,
you will always be happy
and your friends
will always Love you for who you are.

"It's OK.
It's time to stop chasing shadows."