Sunday, March 11, 2007
Self-Esteem
Now, onto a totally different subject.
I am currently having serious struggles with self-esteem.
My housemate recently told me some guy called KBOO and said he hated hearing her on the air. This hurt her a lot. I reminded her that there are thousands of us who Love hearing her on the air so she shouldn't put too much weight in the words of a single asshole. I guess I should take my own advice.
Recently, a friend described me as pretty much one of the most misogynyst people she knows. She told me that since I talked about some 8 or so women that MAY have shown interest in me, some sort of attraction, that I now believe that all women want my body (if you seen pictures of me or met me, you know damn well sure that it is amazing if one woman wants my body let alone all). How 8 or so became all, I have no idea.
She also informed me that she does not Love me for who I am. Now here, I also had this stupid fucking idea that your friends above all others should Love you for who you are. I guess that I'm not only the most hideous monster in the world, but one of the most fucking stupid as well.
So, I've gotten into this angry rut that is hard for me to get out of. At times, not all the time, but very intensely when it happens, I again think of myself as the fat ugly horrible monster that I believed myself to be when with my first two wives. The first one often told me how ugly I was, the second reminded me that it was my soul that was the ugly part. When I left both of these women, I suddenly became the greatest guy in the world...yeah...right.
So, when I start thinking about those words my friend...alleged friend...told me, I start to feel like that ugly horrible hideous monster that I believed myself to be when with the first two wives. I'm too fat and ugly to be Loved. I too misogynyst. There is plenty of shit wrong with me, and so many people seem to expect me to be some form of Jesus instead of the horrible hideous monster I used to feel like all the time and keeps creeping more and more into my life as the days have passed since receiving those horrible e-mails.
I start thinking things like the two women I thought felt some sort of attraction to me during Christmas were really thinking they should call 911 and inform the cops something just escaped from the zoo. Maybe they were sussing out the danger of their horrific situation of me being in the same proximity, the danger level of this hideous monster. I mean, afterall, how could they be attracted to something as hideous as me.
So, I've been struggling against this shit, quietly and privately, until this moment. I'm hoping that if I write about this shit, it will help someone else in struggles such as these. One thing I always know is that I am not the only one. And, maybe, hopefully, it will help me in my struggle with my self-esteem.
I think of that one person making that mean phone call about my housemate and the thousands of others who Love her. Not that thousands of others Love me, but there are a few, and this alleged friend is the only person who has ever said such horrible shit about me other than my first two wives. So, anyway, there you go, for what it's fucking worth.
I am currently having serious struggles with self-esteem.
My housemate recently told me some guy called KBOO and said he hated hearing her on the air. This hurt her a lot. I reminded her that there are thousands of us who Love hearing her on the air so she shouldn't put too much weight in the words of a single asshole. I guess I should take my own advice.
Recently, a friend described me as pretty much one of the most misogynyst people she knows. She told me that since I talked about some 8 or so women that MAY have shown interest in me, some sort of attraction, that I now believe that all women want my body (if you seen pictures of me or met me, you know damn well sure that it is amazing if one woman wants my body let alone all). How 8 or so became all, I have no idea.
She also informed me that she does not Love me for who I am. Now here, I also had this stupid fucking idea that your friends above all others should Love you for who you are. I guess that I'm not only the most hideous monster in the world, but one of the most fucking stupid as well.
So, I've gotten into this angry rut that is hard for me to get out of. At times, not all the time, but very intensely when it happens, I again think of myself as the fat ugly horrible monster that I believed myself to be when with my first two wives. The first one often told me how ugly I was, the second reminded me that it was my soul that was the ugly part. When I left both of these women, I suddenly became the greatest guy in the world...yeah...right.
So, when I start thinking about those words my friend...alleged friend...told me, I start to feel like that ugly horrible hideous monster that I believed myself to be when with the first two wives. I'm too fat and ugly to be Loved. I too misogynyst. There is plenty of shit wrong with me, and so many people seem to expect me to be some form of Jesus instead of the horrible hideous monster I used to feel like all the time and keeps creeping more and more into my life as the days have passed since receiving those horrible e-mails.
I start thinking things like the two women I thought felt some sort of attraction to me during Christmas were really thinking they should call 911 and inform the cops something just escaped from the zoo. Maybe they were sussing out the danger of their horrific situation of me being in the same proximity, the danger level of this hideous monster. I mean, afterall, how could they be attracted to something as hideous as me.
So, I've been struggling against this shit, quietly and privately, until this moment. I'm hoping that if I write about this shit, it will help someone else in struggles such as these. One thing I always know is that I am not the only one. And, maybe, hopefully, it will help me in my struggle with my self-esteem.
I think of that one person making that mean phone call about my housemate and the thousands of others who Love her. Not that thousands of others Love me, but there are a few, and this alleged friend is the only person who has ever said such horrible shit about me other than my first two wives. So, anyway, there you go, for what it's fucking worth.
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