Thursday, November 09, 2006
OK...I Give Up!
About three or four years ago, I started the People of Color Committee to help deal with racism; institutional, overt, and otherwise. People of Color showed up to the first few monthly meetings to make sure whitey's feelings were being honored and respected, and when they realized such was the case, I wound up being the only person at the last two meetings. I gave up. There is NO interest in dealing with racism as a group by People of Color. Why keep working on a project no one is interested in.
Yesterday, about 10 people showed up to my reading. That is about 10 more than showed up at the last one. This morning, as I've been sitting here, I realize that there is no REAL interest in my work. Lots of people like it, few are willing to buy and read my book, fewer are willing to come to my readings, so what's the point. This takes a lot of physical and emotional effort and there is no interest. It feels like a million pounds of effort for about a hundred pounds of return. What's the point? Why do I keep on doing this? Why should I keep on doing this?
Lisa gave me some good ideas on the ride in here from my current home, but the more I think about it, this is just too much for me.
I've had LOTS of people tell me of their interest in my work, promise to buy books, promise to show up to readings. If the amount of people I heard and was told would show up last night, there should have been about 50-75 people there. I am tired of this effort. There is no interest. It is not effective. It is, well, useless. Like the People of Color Committee.
I just chalk this up to another failure, and that is OK. That doesn't mean I'm giving up. That doesn't mean I'll stop writing. I will still do the radio show and TV show. It just means that trying to get my writing out there as something to substantially stand up on its own, gain peoples interest, and somehow change the world in at least a little way is not a realistic belief. It is taking a lot of emotional and physical effort on my behalf and it is not having the effect that I would like it to. There is no interest in it. It will never stand on its own as a substantial piece of work that helps the people because there is no interest in it. I give up!
I had fun reading. I had fun speaking out. It is all just so useless. I think I can find somewhere else to devote my energies to and be more effective at doing my part to change the world. Trying to get my words or my voice out there is just not it. I give up! I chalk this up to yet another failure. Failure is OK because amongst all the failure I've had, I've also had many triumphs. The ratios aren't the best, but it's those triumphs that keep me going.
So, no more readings, no more books, no video, and I am not going to make a CD like I thought about. It just isn't worth the effort because there is no interest. There will always be interest in the radio and TV show. That is consistent and effective.
After I mourn the end of this, I will put my feelers out there for other efforts that may effect change. It's a good chance that those too will be failures, but like I said, it's the triumphs that makes the efforts put into the failures worth it. I don't regret putting the effort into getting my voice and words out there. It's just not worth the effort when it is clearly and consistently a failure. It was a good effort. It was fun at times, but it is really just not worth the effort to me.
All the above words to explain just three..."I give up."
Yesterday, about 10 people showed up to my reading. That is about 10 more than showed up at the last one. This morning, as I've been sitting here, I realize that there is no REAL interest in my work. Lots of people like it, few are willing to buy and read my book, fewer are willing to come to my readings, so what's the point. This takes a lot of physical and emotional effort and there is no interest. It feels like a million pounds of effort for about a hundred pounds of return. What's the point? Why do I keep on doing this? Why should I keep on doing this?
Lisa gave me some good ideas on the ride in here from my current home, but the more I think about it, this is just too much for me.
I've had LOTS of people tell me of their interest in my work, promise to buy books, promise to show up to readings. If the amount of people I heard and was told would show up last night, there should have been about 50-75 people there. I am tired of this effort. There is no interest. It is not effective. It is, well, useless. Like the People of Color Committee.
I just chalk this up to another failure, and that is OK. That doesn't mean I'm giving up. That doesn't mean I'll stop writing. I will still do the radio show and TV show. It just means that trying to get my writing out there as something to substantially stand up on its own, gain peoples interest, and somehow change the world in at least a little way is not a realistic belief. It is taking a lot of emotional and physical effort on my behalf and it is not having the effect that I would like it to. There is no interest in it. It will never stand on its own as a substantial piece of work that helps the people because there is no interest in it. I give up!
I had fun reading. I had fun speaking out. It is all just so useless. I think I can find somewhere else to devote my energies to and be more effective at doing my part to change the world. Trying to get my words or my voice out there is just not it. I give up! I chalk this up to yet another failure. Failure is OK because amongst all the failure I've had, I've also had many triumphs. The ratios aren't the best, but it's those triumphs that keep me going.
So, no more readings, no more books, no video, and I am not going to make a CD like I thought about. It just isn't worth the effort because there is no interest. There will always be interest in the radio and TV show. That is consistent and effective.
After I mourn the end of this, I will put my feelers out there for other efforts that may effect change. It's a good chance that those too will be failures, but like I said, it's the triumphs that makes the efforts put into the failures worth it. I don't regret putting the effort into getting my voice and words out there. It's just not worth the effort when it is clearly and consistently a failure. It was a good effort. It was fun at times, but it is really just not worth the effort to me.
All the above words to explain just three..."I give up."
Subscribe to Posts [Atom]