Pudgy Indian

...Voice.

There is a clear and consistent pattern surrounding my poetry.

Early on, I did not seek publication. Publication is really a pain in the ass and I became aware of that early on. I write primarily for myself. To vent and speak out in my way. To give voice to that which is on my mind.

I finally got published on my 42nd birthday. The book is called "Tremble in Fear Before the Soft Pudgy Indian."

Initially, it did well. It was a good birthday celebration. My head was reeling and it was really fun.

I was supposed to have 200 more copies of my book, which when printed, wound up in quarantine for 2 months. It was then discovered that the 200 were printed with the pages out of sequence and signed off on so there was not redress. Getting the books printed for an audience I thought was interested in purchasing a book of mine. There was a lot of verbal interest, but not a lot of actual interest.

I went through a new publisher to try and have books for an audience I thought was interested in my work. I got 50 books printed up. My original three readings the audiences got smaller and smaller. At the second one I met my sweetheart, Rhonda, for the first time, though I didn't know she would become my sweetheart.

With my 50 books in tow, I went to the Spiral Rhythms Festival. When it was time to do my reading, not only was there NO audience, there was no stage staff either. There was absolutely no interest in my work, so I stopped putting forth the effort. What's the use if no one is interested in my work.

Since then, I have been writing like a bad dog and reading what I feel most compelled to on the air at KBOO. I also write some of my stuff here on my blog.

So, yesterday, October 13, there was supposed to be an open mic at Reflections Book Store. I called up and found out it started an hour before I originally thought. I asked when the open mic started and was told six. I asked if the sign up sheet was full and told no.

I get there and am told that Renee Mitchell (local columnist and domestic violence activist) will be MCing the open mic. Then I am told she will be making a presentation from Nappy Press, or something like that and that I should hang around. I could not get out of anyone whether there actually was an open mic or not, and I signed up on a piece of paper.

Renee Mitchell then went into a presentation about domestic violence and an organization she is starting focusing primarily on African American women. It was a good presentation and the work she does is interesting and vital, but that is not the reason I was there.

I had been talking with Gloria, the owner, off and on about an open mic there and was told the next one would be October 13 and was even called and interviewed for it, which I thought was kind of odd. Then I get there and there is NO open mic, yet I'm deceived into staying, and was deceived into coming there in the first place as well.

I like Renee Mitchell and her work is important, but I was deceived and lied to and that I don't appreciate.

But there again is the consistent pattern surrounding my poetry. There is a LARGE vocal interest in my work, but no ACTUAL interest in my work.

So, on that end, I give up. I surrender. Whatever powers that be are telling me my work is not REALLY as popular as people tell me it is. When I attempt to get my voice out in other venues, odd things happen where I don't get to present at all. So, surrender. I give up. The spirits seem to be telling me that I should not write any books of poetry. That I should not try to get my voice out in person. That I should only voice my poetry in personal readings, on KBOO, and on this blog. I guess that will have to do. Everything else I now send voice of complete surrender. I will no longer attempt to put my voice out in those arenas. There is no interest and the spirits are letting me know that loud and clear.

I Love to write, though, so I will continue that until I can write no longer.