Sunday, October 15, 2006
Direction
I'd say a little over a month ago, Rhonda was pretty troubled. She finally came forward and informed me that she would like to live alone for a couple of months. I completely understood this and, to be honest, expected it to an extent. When Rhonda and I met, she was still living with her former, although he had split up with her four or five weeks before. During that time she was still wanting to work things out with him and tried on several occasions.
Rhonda has also basically never lived on her own. Maybe a couple of weeks she has informed me. I'm fine with this. Our relationship is strong, and if we are not meant to be together it will play out. But both of us believe that we are meant to be together, we get along so well.
I informed Rhonda as well that if she asks me to move back in before those two months are up, that I will tell her no. This made her happy. The reason I will tell her no is because if she doesn't take this time, then years from now it may effect our relationship. She may feel bad that she didn't take that time to herself. She may have regrets, and I don't want that between us. Rhonda is awesome and beautiful and I Love her so much. We are both Revolutionaries and good for each other.
That said...
Rhonda has told me many stories that have led up to her becoming a hospice nurse. It was where her life has directed her to go. She has only been one for a little over a year, but that is where she is at. That is the direction in which she has taken her life.
Knowing things happen in our lives for reasons, I began to think what I would get out of this recently. I haven't really thought about that because my main concern has been Rhonda's health in all this. I got my year and a half on my own with my own little autonomous zones. Rhonda has not.
During my autonomous time, especially living with my friend Heidi, I redefined what it means for me to be a man. I had a few crushes, chased a few women (Hi Mikhelle, Cynthia, and Orion...three altogether), and at one point in my life had decided I was done trying the Love thing only to fall in Love with Cynthia but realizing that it was most likely not her but the feeling that I was supposed to be looking for...and later Rhonda and I found each other. I had my autonomous zone, Rhonda has not.
In my autonomy, I did not look for a real direction in my life. I tried getting published which has turned into a great big fat pain in the ass. I tried moving forward with my poetry, only to go from having a good audience the first time to no audience or stage hands even on the fourth go round. I lack direction. In that last week or so, I've been thinking about this.
Rhonda and I have been together for five months now. In the beginning of November, when she and her daughter Rachel are in Hawaii, I will take my dresser, Felicia's bed, and a few other things with me over to Lisa Loving's place and live with her and her family like I did some year and a half ago now. When I approached Lisa with the need to find a place to stay for a few months she responded "You can stay with us...I assume you mean you, right?" What a wonderful friend she is.
Anyway...Direction is what I have come here to write about as this sepration of living space with Rhonda (we are still going to be seeing each other during that time, like dating, which will be fun). I have never had my own direction. I remember, and I was discussing this with Rhonda earlier, that I have lived my life like riding a surfboard. For some reason I wanted to live like I could find myself in any situation and move through it smoothly. This, however, brought me through some tough times, too. I just rode my relationships with Felicia's mom and Melodie. Both relationships were abusive. I took none of my own direction until I left. And then I still had no direction, I just surfed the waves and let things come as they may instead of pointing the nose of my board in some direction that made sense to me.
I have had MANY dreams where I wake up afloat on a hunk of ice in the darkness of the Arctic ocean. Just floating there on a raft in my emotions. No currents. No measure to the depths of the water beneath me. No color. No fear. No comfort. Ice walls vast and high in the distance. Black and white and brown and floating going nowhere.
Rhonda does not want me to be her servant, which is what happened in my other two big relationships. She wants me to be who I am. She Loves me for who I am. Surfing, I found myself surfing into serfdom. I had become servants to two abusive women, abusive to me in different ways as they could see I had my own autonomy as well. Having my own personhood was unacceptable to them because I was supposed to be what they wanted me to be, not who I wanted me to be. But I have always had to be me. I have always had that surfboard waxed and ready to go. (I harbor no belief that I would be any good at actual surfing. Surfing through life, however...).
So, I've been asking myself this...What do I get out of this? The answer is that it is time I direct my surfboard in an actual direction. It is no longer time for me to ride the waves and just be alive...it is time for me to LIVE!
I have the security of the Love Rhonda and I share. I have financial security in my work. I have come to a time in which to take my life in my own hands. To direct myself where I WANT to go. To be who I want to be.
I am a wordsmith. I am a writer. My writing has motivated a lot of people. My words on KBOO and on MCTV have motivated many people. I don't get to see these people for the most part. I never get to meet them, become friends with them, hear their stories, or at least I rarely get to I should say.
That is why Friday was disappointing to me. I had a timely poem to read, and there was no open mic and no audience that wanted to hear what I had to say because that was not why they were there. Why I was deceived into believing there would be an open mic, I don't know. I want to contact with my audience. I want to shake their hands and say hello and hear their stories and find out what they do with their lives. I want to share my words with them because that is what I do. I am a wordsmith.
I have a video coming out. It was thought it would be finished by August, but the video editors mom is dying. I haven't heard much since. He had another film he had to finish, but then his mom got really sick and he spends all of his spare time with her. I don't believe that project will be done for perhaps another year, if ever, and that is OK.
I am beginning to believe all of these things are happening for a reason. The reason it seems, is my lack of direction with where I wish to take my wordsmithing. My lack of direction of where I want to take my life.
Rhonda has started a little garden plot in the back yard. I asked if she needed my help and she told me no, it is a project she wants to work on. She then pointed to a little spot that I could plant a few things if I so wished. I think that is when it started for me. My input in my other households wasn't considered important. At times it was demanded, but discarded if it didn't fit in with the S/O's desires.
So here I am, in a household where I have a desk and bookshelf in the livingroom, a few of my posters hanging on the wall, my personality is a PART of the household and not an accessory. I think I need to learn to understand that. It doesn't scare me. It makes me feel valid. And with these new feelings of validity has come a desire for direction.
Rhonda will learn to live on her own. She will learn who she is. This separation will be a benefit to her for the rest of her life. I will get direction from this. I will learn to direct my life instead of riding on the waves of other peoples direction.
Early on in our discussions, Rhonda described this as a paradox. She struggled hard to maintain a relationship with an abusive prick and didn't want to be separated from him. Here she is now in the best relationship she's had and wants to live on her own for a while. I told Rhonda that it wasn't a paradox, but a healthy decision. She has never had that. She has never had her OWN space. She needs to time to find what her autonomy has to offer. We will both be with each other and autonomous. There are directions where our lives take us, and their are many connections where our lives meet. We are one unit and completely ourselves.
The plan is, like stated previously, I will move in with Lisa and her family in early November while Rhonda takes Rachel to Hawaii, and after the first of the year, we will get together and discuss where we wish to take our relationship then.
In telling this to a few friends, I found out a couple of them did the same thing with relationships in their past and came into a much healthier relationship with their Sweethearts.
I have a little fear, but not about Rhonda and I, about myself. Having realized I have not had my OWN direction in my life, it is kind of scary being on that threshold. Kind of like being pushed out of the nest and seeing if those wings really work.
Capricorns, I've been told, are late bloomers. So here is my plan, as a wordsmith that wants to talk with the people:
I am going to talk with Eric, owner of Grendel's Coffee House, and see about setting up a reading in the next couple of months, then putting it on the community calendar for KBOO, and hopefully having at least one person in the audience. I want to connect with the people with my words and I want to share words with them. How else can I motivate the Revolution?
Rhonda has also basically never lived on her own. Maybe a couple of weeks she has informed me. I'm fine with this. Our relationship is strong, and if we are not meant to be together it will play out. But both of us believe that we are meant to be together, we get along so well.
I informed Rhonda as well that if she asks me to move back in before those two months are up, that I will tell her no. This made her happy. The reason I will tell her no is because if she doesn't take this time, then years from now it may effect our relationship. She may feel bad that she didn't take that time to herself. She may have regrets, and I don't want that between us. Rhonda is awesome and beautiful and I Love her so much. We are both Revolutionaries and good for each other.
That said...
Rhonda has told me many stories that have led up to her becoming a hospice nurse. It was where her life has directed her to go. She has only been one for a little over a year, but that is where she is at. That is the direction in which she has taken her life.
Knowing things happen in our lives for reasons, I began to think what I would get out of this recently. I haven't really thought about that because my main concern has been Rhonda's health in all this. I got my year and a half on my own with my own little autonomous zones. Rhonda has not.
During my autonomous time, especially living with my friend Heidi, I redefined what it means for me to be a man. I had a few crushes, chased a few women (Hi Mikhelle, Cynthia, and Orion...three altogether), and at one point in my life had decided I was done trying the Love thing only to fall in Love with Cynthia but realizing that it was most likely not her but the feeling that I was supposed to be looking for...and later Rhonda and I found each other. I had my autonomous zone, Rhonda has not.
In my autonomy, I did not look for a real direction in my life. I tried getting published which has turned into a great big fat pain in the ass. I tried moving forward with my poetry, only to go from having a good audience the first time to no audience or stage hands even on the fourth go round. I lack direction. In that last week or so, I've been thinking about this.
Rhonda and I have been together for five months now. In the beginning of November, when she and her daughter Rachel are in Hawaii, I will take my dresser, Felicia's bed, and a few other things with me over to Lisa Loving's place and live with her and her family like I did some year and a half ago now. When I approached Lisa with the need to find a place to stay for a few months she responded "You can stay with us...I assume you mean you, right?" What a wonderful friend she is.
Anyway...Direction is what I have come here to write about as this sepration of living space with Rhonda (we are still going to be seeing each other during that time, like dating, which will be fun). I have never had my own direction. I remember, and I was discussing this with Rhonda earlier, that I have lived my life like riding a surfboard. For some reason I wanted to live like I could find myself in any situation and move through it smoothly. This, however, brought me through some tough times, too. I just rode my relationships with Felicia's mom and Melodie. Both relationships were abusive. I took none of my own direction until I left. And then I still had no direction, I just surfed the waves and let things come as they may instead of pointing the nose of my board in some direction that made sense to me.
I have had MANY dreams where I wake up afloat on a hunk of ice in the darkness of the Arctic ocean. Just floating there on a raft in my emotions. No currents. No measure to the depths of the water beneath me. No color. No fear. No comfort. Ice walls vast and high in the distance. Black and white and brown and floating going nowhere.
Rhonda does not want me to be her servant, which is what happened in my other two big relationships. She wants me to be who I am. She Loves me for who I am. Surfing, I found myself surfing into serfdom. I had become servants to two abusive women, abusive to me in different ways as they could see I had my own autonomy as well. Having my own personhood was unacceptable to them because I was supposed to be what they wanted me to be, not who I wanted me to be. But I have always had to be me. I have always had that surfboard waxed and ready to go. (I harbor no belief that I would be any good at actual surfing. Surfing through life, however...).
So, I've been asking myself this...What do I get out of this? The answer is that it is time I direct my surfboard in an actual direction. It is no longer time for me to ride the waves and just be alive...it is time for me to LIVE!
I have the security of the Love Rhonda and I share. I have financial security in my work. I have come to a time in which to take my life in my own hands. To direct myself where I WANT to go. To be who I want to be.
I am a wordsmith. I am a writer. My writing has motivated a lot of people. My words on KBOO and on MCTV have motivated many people. I don't get to see these people for the most part. I never get to meet them, become friends with them, hear their stories, or at least I rarely get to I should say.
That is why Friday was disappointing to me. I had a timely poem to read, and there was no open mic and no audience that wanted to hear what I had to say because that was not why they were there. Why I was deceived into believing there would be an open mic, I don't know. I want to contact with my audience. I want to shake their hands and say hello and hear their stories and find out what they do with their lives. I want to share my words with them because that is what I do. I am a wordsmith.
I have a video coming out. It was thought it would be finished by August, but the video editors mom is dying. I haven't heard much since. He had another film he had to finish, but then his mom got really sick and he spends all of his spare time with her. I don't believe that project will be done for perhaps another year, if ever, and that is OK.
I am beginning to believe all of these things are happening for a reason. The reason it seems, is my lack of direction with where I wish to take my wordsmithing. My lack of direction of where I want to take my life.
Rhonda has started a little garden plot in the back yard. I asked if she needed my help and she told me no, it is a project she wants to work on. She then pointed to a little spot that I could plant a few things if I so wished. I think that is when it started for me. My input in my other households wasn't considered important. At times it was demanded, but discarded if it didn't fit in with the S/O's desires.
So here I am, in a household where I have a desk and bookshelf in the livingroom, a few of my posters hanging on the wall, my personality is a PART of the household and not an accessory. I think I need to learn to understand that. It doesn't scare me. It makes me feel valid. And with these new feelings of validity has come a desire for direction.
Rhonda will learn to live on her own. She will learn who she is. This separation will be a benefit to her for the rest of her life. I will get direction from this. I will learn to direct my life instead of riding on the waves of other peoples direction.
Early on in our discussions, Rhonda described this as a paradox. She struggled hard to maintain a relationship with an abusive prick and didn't want to be separated from him. Here she is now in the best relationship she's had and wants to live on her own for a while. I told Rhonda that it wasn't a paradox, but a healthy decision. She has never had that. She has never had her OWN space. She needs to time to find what her autonomy has to offer. We will both be with each other and autonomous. There are directions where our lives take us, and their are many connections where our lives meet. We are one unit and completely ourselves.
The plan is, like stated previously, I will move in with Lisa and her family in early November while Rhonda takes Rachel to Hawaii, and after the first of the year, we will get together and discuss where we wish to take our relationship then.
In telling this to a few friends, I found out a couple of them did the same thing with relationships in their past and came into a much healthier relationship with their Sweethearts.
I have a little fear, but not about Rhonda and I, about myself. Having realized I have not had my OWN direction in my life, it is kind of scary being on that threshold. Kind of like being pushed out of the nest and seeing if those wings really work.
Capricorns, I've been told, are late bloomers. So here is my plan, as a wordsmith that wants to talk with the people:
I am going to talk with Eric, owner of Grendel's Coffee House, and see about setting up a reading in the next couple of months, then putting it on the community calendar for KBOO, and hopefully having at least one person in the audience. I want to connect with the people with my words and I want to share words with them. How else can I motivate the Revolution?
Subscribe to Posts [Atom]