Wednesday, September 06, 2006
The White House (not what you think)
There is a hill
just West of the baseball fields
in Columbia Park.
It is not high and tall,
but nestled gently amongst the trees.
I hear the hawk calling me there.
Asking about Rhonda.
The park was neutral territory
in my childhood
from the pedophile aggressive white grandfather,
despondent racist mother,
alcoholic father with beautiful false teeth,
dysfunctional family
where we could enjoy each others company
for a time.
The little hill
seems to be
the center of the universe.
I reflect upon my life,
good, bad, and everything in between
and all around.
I feel like I have clung
to my ideas
of the world.
I reflect on my history
and cling to it like a bad religion
when a voice
like a whisper
in a tidal wave
of pure water
helps me to take the time
to release them
and I feel free
different
even different from just the moment before.
These changes don't necessarily happen
right away.
They have their own time
and they are coming.
I have had a great life!
I am in Love with Rhonda!
I decide to go the direction
I always took into the park
when I was a kid
walking from the white
grandparents house.
I feel release.
I feel like I'm reversing
all the energy
I uselessly cling to
in a symbolic action.
And there it is
on Lombard
with caution tape
on those cast iron hand rails
leading to the front door
where after knocking
as a child
grandma would pull the tiny curtain
aside
from in front of the window.
Welcome...yet not!
The slope of the front yard
that seemed 10's of feet high
as a child
seems barely recognizable as an adult.
The van
white grandpa
drove after breaking his back.
The east side of the house
where white grandpa's ladder gave
breaking his back
and paralyzing him.
There are no faces looking out at me.
There is nothing.
Grandma still lives there
just blocks away from me.
In these four months
I have felt no desire to visit
and still don't.
I release
the power
I have allowed
that history
to have over me.
Racist white fucks!
Here I am,
not knowing what it means
but feeling lighter
and happier
every step
I take away
from there.
just West of the baseball fields
in Columbia Park.
It is not high and tall,
but nestled gently amongst the trees.
I hear the hawk calling me there.
Asking about Rhonda.
The park was neutral territory
in my childhood
from the pedophile aggressive white grandfather,
despondent racist mother,
alcoholic father with beautiful false teeth,
dysfunctional family
where we could enjoy each others company
for a time.
The little hill
seems to be
the center of the universe.
I reflect upon my life,
good, bad, and everything in between
and all around.
I feel like I have clung
to my ideas
of the world.
I reflect on my history
and cling to it like a bad religion
when a voice
like a whisper
in a tidal wave
of pure water
helps me to take the time
to release them
and I feel free
different
even different from just the moment before.
These changes don't necessarily happen
right away.
They have their own time
and they are coming.
I have had a great life!
I am in Love with Rhonda!
I decide to go the direction
I always took into the park
when I was a kid
walking from the white
grandparents house.
I feel release.
I feel like I'm reversing
all the energy
I uselessly cling to
in a symbolic action.
And there it is
on Lombard
with caution tape
on those cast iron hand rails
leading to the front door
where after knocking
as a child
grandma would pull the tiny curtain
aside
from in front of the window.
Welcome...yet not!
The slope of the front yard
that seemed 10's of feet high
as a child
seems barely recognizable as an adult.
The van
white grandpa
drove after breaking his back.
The east side of the house
where white grandpa's ladder gave
breaking his back
and paralyzing him.
There are no faces looking out at me.
There is nothing.
Grandma still lives there
just blocks away from me.
In these four months
I have felt no desire to visit
and still don't.
I release
the power
I have allowed
that history
to have over me.
Racist white fucks!
Here I am,
not knowing what it means
but feeling lighter
and happier
every step
I take away
from there.
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