Friday, August 18, 2006
Rebirth?
I feel beat ass tired. I think I got enough sleep today, but my system has taken a beating working a graveyard shift, but tonight is the last night.
Last night I fell asleep at lunch and last break and woke up after almost everyone had left the lunch room.
As I was cleaning up with a young man and fellow employee, we discussed the working conditions. People who work there often get treated like crap. I've witnessed this, they have attempted to treat me in such a fashion, but I just don't buy into that crap and it becomes ineffective on their part to treat me so. Usually when they try to yell at me for doing something incorrectly, I ask how I'm supposed to do it, which seems to catch them off guard and they calmly explain.
Last night, as I was talking with this young fellow, I became disappointed in myself. This is by far not the worst place I've worked, and definitely not the best, but an easy system that I can work within to make money and feel productive. But I realized as he talked about getting yelled at a lot and not wanting nor having to put up with such abuse that...I have sold myself short.
Most of my life my self-esteem has been pretty low. I didn't think highly enough of my intelligence to attempt college after I got out of high school, something I am still paying for. I believed it would be pretty easy just being a working stiff, which, it hasn't. I have worked in shipping since I had a working career, with a few short term jobs in data entry. In the meantime, I have become highly self-educated.
My first wife helped keep my self-esteem low with numerous insults, my second with verbal violence. I am now in a fucntional Loving relationship, and my perspective on my life has been changing, even more so than when I was single and living comfortably with my friend, Heidi.
Though living with Heidi was good, my life has since been shook up in many good ways since, which has allowed me a space in which to really reflect on how I've lived my life. That is what the feeling I've been having lately has been about. I've been wandering the streets of a city where I've lived my last 41 of 42 years. I've been by houses where major trauma's have been instituted in my life. I feel stuck here. Stuck more in the feeling than in the city to be honest.
As my Love with Rhonda continues to grow, as I reflect upon the work I've done to sustain my life, I have started to question everything about my life. It has all led me to here, but I still have residual effects of how I've lived my life and pray to clean them up. And all of this is difficult to put words to.
This weekend, Rhonda and I are going huckleberry picking in the Gifford Pinchot. That will be nice.
The good things that I have had consistently in my life is Felicia, the radio show, and the TV show. I have the ability to speak out and I try to use it as best as possible. I want to change the world like many other people I know. War is a horrible thing and it needs to end. Now I also have a wonderful Love life.
In some ways, I am paying for selling myself short early on in life. In some ways, I am reaping rewards I never imagined could be part of my life.
I don't know...I feel like I'm just rambling now!
So, there you go, for what it is worth. I just wanted to put that out there because I mostly wanted to write about it, not that anyone would necessarily read it or to look for sympathy. Life is great for me, I believe I am feeling the pains of rebirth. I think that is what it is.
Last night I fell asleep at lunch and last break and woke up after almost everyone had left the lunch room.
As I was cleaning up with a young man and fellow employee, we discussed the working conditions. People who work there often get treated like crap. I've witnessed this, they have attempted to treat me in such a fashion, but I just don't buy into that crap and it becomes ineffective on their part to treat me so. Usually when they try to yell at me for doing something incorrectly, I ask how I'm supposed to do it, which seems to catch them off guard and they calmly explain.
Last night, as I was talking with this young fellow, I became disappointed in myself. This is by far not the worst place I've worked, and definitely not the best, but an easy system that I can work within to make money and feel productive. But I realized as he talked about getting yelled at a lot and not wanting nor having to put up with such abuse that...I have sold myself short.
Most of my life my self-esteem has been pretty low. I didn't think highly enough of my intelligence to attempt college after I got out of high school, something I am still paying for. I believed it would be pretty easy just being a working stiff, which, it hasn't. I have worked in shipping since I had a working career, with a few short term jobs in data entry. In the meantime, I have become highly self-educated.
My first wife helped keep my self-esteem low with numerous insults, my second with verbal violence. I am now in a fucntional Loving relationship, and my perspective on my life has been changing, even more so than when I was single and living comfortably with my friend, Heidi.
Though living with Heidi was good, my life has since been shook up in many good ways since, which has allowed me a space in which to really reflect on how I've lived my life. That is what the feeling I've been having lately has been about. I've been wandering the streets of a city where I've lived my last 41 of 42 years. I've been by houses where major trauma's have been instituted in my life. I feel stuck here. Stuck more in the feeling than in the city to be honest.
As my Love with Rhonda continues to grow, as I reflect upon the work I've done to sustain my life, I have started to question everything about my life. It has all led me to here, but I still have residual effects of how I've lived my life and pray to clean them up. And all of this is difficult to put words to.
This weekend, Rhonda and I are going huckleberry picking in the Gifford Pinchot. That will be nice.
The good things that I have had consistently in my life is Felicia, the radio show, and the TV show. I have the ability to speak out and I try to use it as best as possible. I want to change the world like many other people I know. War is a horrible thing and it needs to end. Now I also have a wonderful Love life.
In some ways, I am paying for selling myself short early on in life. In some ways, I am reaping rewards I never imagined could be part of my life.
I don't know...I feel like I'm just rambling now!
So, there you go, for what it is worth. I just wanted to put that out there because I mostly wanted to write about it, not that anyone would necessarily read it or to look for sympathy. Life is great for me, I believe I am feeling the pains of rebirth. I think that is what it is.
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