Wednesday, June 28, 2006
UP YOURS
[Note: As I got my first lengthy paragraph in on the following, I accidentally hit the power button on the power strip and lost it. It is emotionally intense to write about the following for me. But I am determined and such a little set back (took about half an hour to get everything back up) is not going to stop me. I'm at KBOO, which is an appropriate place to write about this in my opinion.]
I have done hallucinogenic mushrooms several times. The second time was with my second wife, now ex. I felt I needed to deal with some emotional issues and thought this might help. I reverted back to the age of five to some intense childhood trauma and I freaked out. My ex thought that the only way to get me back was to beat the living fucking shit out of me. She smashed my face with her fists, beat my back, and would beat my ass with hooked fingers for maximum punishment.
I would at times sit on the floor, crying, and trying to act normal. I could feel the intensity filling her again, and would beg her not to hit me when an attack would fall down upon me. I was so terrified of being beaten unconscious or possibly even murdered.
During this beating, I also hallucinated a paralell world of a blonde woman being beaten to death by her husband in 1936. She was laying on the floor against a wall and was being kicked so horrifically that all defenses fell as the last bit of punishments were strongly felt as she died. My ex wife was that husband.
Amazingly, upon recovery, I had no bruises on my face, ass, or back from her brutal punishment. I still married the fucking bitch, only to leave her several years later. She never beat me again, but our last year of marriage brought many a threats of physical violence along with all of the verbal violence she could throw out like candy in the streets to kids during a parade.
I did mushrooms with her in the Gifford Pinchot a few years later. Out in the nature, I could actually see the energy of rocks and understand too briefly their language. I started to revert, so I started mumbling aloud not to get freaked out or see spirits that would scare me. We left the little camp ground at Twin Falls as dusk approached. I could see everything clearly in the darkness. I asked, almost demanded she turn out the lights of the car and started screaming for her to drive "FASTER." As we headed down 90 and back into Carson, Washsington, we stopped at the McLellan Viewpoint where one has a fantastic view of Loowit (Mt. St. Helens). I started to feel no fear. It was like a slow wave. It started encroaching little by little as we stood alone at the rock wall. I started to believe that Joy Harjo wrote her "Fear Poem" while on mushrooms. As we journeyed down the road toward Carson, I suddenly felt absolutely no fear, and not in that stupid brand name sense either. It is an odd place to be and my decision and choice patterns drastically changed. I could have gone on a horrifically violent rampage if I had chosen that path, but I chose a different one. I wanted to confront a huge white cop who stood in the middle of Hwy. 84 with his radar gun. She wouldn't stop (good choice on her part). I wanted to go talk to friends who had distanced themselves from us. She refused. (The distance was confirmed later as...being her verbal abuse of me and them and others). And I still stuck by the asshole for another year, facing verbal abuse in a horrific form of screams so loud in my face that I could feel her spit, along with her threats of physical violence toward me and my daughter both. It came to the point where I chose to leave, though, living in the denial I did in order to survive her abuse, the reasons didn't come perfectly clear until I was securely away from the fucking bitch!
Why am I telling you this?
I am reading the book, "Reclaiming the Sacred," by Winona Laduke. As I read about the HORRIFIC destruction that Indians have suffered at the hands of you and your fellow Americans, the destruction IS OVERWHELMING! Overwhelming! So much has been destroyed, and the efforts at our continued destruction and oppression are so obvious to me as you and your fellow Americans live in denial about it. FUCK! I'VE EVEN LIVED IN DENIAL ABOUT IT JUST TO SURVIVE IN IT! But not all of you are blind to it, and many of you struggle against it. But you who don't must understand the depths of this horrific destruction because it is done all over the world...historically and right here and now.
When I tell you I want it all back, your interest turns to yourselves. Fuck the destruction and most HORRIFIC terror you and your people have put us through, you ALWAYS want me to think about you so you and your fellow Americans don't have to face the destruction you created. I know most of you live in FEAR that I, and so many others, would treat you exactly the way you treated us. That is why when I say "I want it all back" your minds immediately float to your personal deportation and potential property loss (which is illegally yours to begin with) instead of indigenous history, genocide, imported diseases, diabetes, alcohol, and you and your fellow Americans NEVER think of changing things or doing anything that is honesly "RIGHT!"
I will NEVER forget that little cracker ass peckerwood piece of privileged white male shit at a Ward Churchill lecture at Reed College. Ward discussed all sorts of illegal and genocidal maneuvers of the U.S. government against Indians, especially lands covered under treaties as well as the genocide of Indians past and present. He also mentioned the Madeline Albright quote where she declared her complicity in genocide of the people of Iraq when she stated that the 5000 children dying each month in Iraq are an acceptable loss. What did this first fucking stupid ass white boy ask after plying Ward about treaty lands and his own personal rights and fears of deportation? "What about me?" The stupid fuck was almost crying! It was fucking amazing! What a waste of an alleged education! Reed College has been knocked down about a million notches in my book, and I've even told my daughter she will not be going there even if she gets a full scholarship because every subsequent stupid cracker ass white boy "of privilege" that followed had questions that also amouted to, "What about me?" Out of the dozen people that asked questions, only one was not a white boy. She was of Asian decent and on the faculty and was genuinely embarassed by the students. She didn't say..."What about me?" No one but her asked about the conditions of indigenous life and the genocide of our peoples. No one mentioned Madeline Albrights blatant confession of complicity in genocide or the thousands of children dying in Iraq. It was all; "What about me?"
To further illustrate my point, here; what, honestly, is the likelyhood we'd get it all back? A trillion to one, maybe? Maybe even greater? The rule of force is in authority here. You and your fellow Americans are continuing the genocide against us Indigenous peoples to guarantee your place as the "master race." You are continuing to destroy our environment, economies, health, culture, langauges, ways of life, spirituality, etc. We can't stop you. You'll do whatever you want because...well...you can. And then when we bring up your laws, as you always throw them in our face when the laws fall on your side, you and your stupid fucking fellow Americans immediately start crying "What about me?" Like we could really do something to you with ANY authority. The rule of FORCE is on your side. And besides, assholes, WE ARE NOT YOU! What makes you think that I would in anyway want to be like you and start major extermination policies of you and your fellow Americans like YOU ACTUALLY DID AND DO TO US? I don't want to be like you! I know what it feels like to face all of your asshole wrath. I know what it is like to be FORCED to live in a manner I would not choose if I had an ACTUAL CHOICE.
And all of your stupid fucking "what about me['s]?" do nothing but avoid the conversation you FREELY CHOOSE not to have. YOU don't want to be made to feel uncomfortable. YOU don't want to have to take personal responsibility, let alone social responsibility. YOU don't want to do what is right because it might cut into your PRIVILEGE!
As I continue to read Winona's book, "Reclaiming the Sacred," and see all the resistance made by YOU and your fellow asshole Americans in support of the genocide of Indigenous peoples out of FEAR of losing some of your ILL GOTTEN gain, you so fucking offend me. But still, YOU and your fellow asshole Americans want me to "talk nice." We've talked nice, only to have you all fuck us up the ass even more. We are FORCED to talk nice because if we don't, you all will get more fierce in your attacks on us out of fear of your "What about me?" BULLSHIT! Talking nice just means you don't have to listen. Talking mean means you'll simply refuse to listen. What is the fucking difference? How do we get your fucking genocidal boot off our neck before you and your asshole fellow Americans "complete the job?"
So, right here, right now, I will tell you what I think. No, I will not treat YOU and your fellow asshole Americans like you all did and do treat us. I hate it! It fucking hurts! It fucking pisses me off! It IS a crime! It would make me YOU, and I can't stand that idea. So, here is MY message from ME to YOU and your asshole fellow fucking Americans:
GO FUCK YOURSELVES!
I have no fear in facing your genocidal activities, not like you do about the slim possibilities that you may have to take responsibility or give any of your ill gotten gain back.
PS and yes, I STILL WANT IT ALL BACK! Try to think about it like this, whitey. What if you woke up this morning and found yourself as a Red Nigger? What would your world look like, you fucking piece of shit?! Can you feel empathy? I doubt it!UP YOURS!
I have done hallucinogenic mushrooms several times. The second time was with my second wife, now ex. I felt I needed to deal with some emotional issues and thought this might help. I reverted back to the age of five to some intense childhood trauma and I freaked out. My ex thought that the only way to get me back was to beat the living fucking shit out of me. She smashed my face with her fists, beat my back, and would beat my ass with hooked fingers for maximum punishment.
I would at times sit on the floor, crying, and trying to act normal. I could feel the intensity filling her again, and would beg her not to hit me when an attack would fall down upon me. I was so terrified of being beaten unconscious or possibly even murdered.
During this beating, I also hallucinated a paralell world of a blonde woman being beaten to death by her husband in 1936. She was laying on the floor against a wall and was being kicked so horrifically that all defenses fell as the last bit of punishments were strongly felt as she died. My ex wife was that husband.
Amazingly, upon recovery, I had no bruises on my face, ass, or back from her brutal punishment. I still married the fucking bitch, only to leave her several years later. She never beat me again, but our last year of marriage brought many a threats of physical violence along with all of the verbal violence she could throw out like candy in the streets to kids during a parade.
I did mushrooms with her in the Gifford Pinchot a few years later. Out in the nature, I could actually see the energy of rocks and understand too briefly their language. I started to revert, so I started mumbling aloud not to get freaked out or see spirits that would scare me. We left the little camp ground at Twin Falls as dusk approached. I could see everything clearly in the darkness. I asked, almost demanded she turn out the lights of the car and started screaming for her to drive "FASTER." As we headed down 90 and back into Carson, Washsington, we stopped at the McLellan Viewpoint where one has a fantastic view of Loowit (Mt. St. Helens). I started to feel no fear. It was like a slow wave. It started encroaching little by little as we stood alone at the rock wall. I started to believe that Joy Harjo wrote her "Fear Poem" while on mushrooms. As we journeyed down the road toward Carson, I suddenly felt absolutely no fear, and not in that stupid brand name sense either. It is an odd place to be and my decision and choice patterns drastically changed. I could have gone on a horrifically violent rampage if I had chosen that path, but I chose a different one. I wanted to confront a huge white cop who stood in the middle of Hwy. 84 with his radar gun. She wouldn't stop (good choice on her part). I wanted to go talk to friends who had distanced themselves from us. She refused. (The distance was confirmed later as...being her verbal abuse of me and them and others). And I still stuck by the asshole for another year, facing verbal abuse in a horrific form of screams so loud in my face that I could feel her spit, along with her threats of physical violence toward me and my daughter both. It came to the point where I chose to leave, though, living in the denial I did in order to survive her abuse, the reasons didn't come perfectly clear until I was securely away from the fucking bitch!
Why am I telling you this?
I am reading the book, "Reclaiming the Sacred," by Winona Laduke. As I read about the HORRIFIC destruction that Indians have suffered at the hands of you and your fellow Americans, the destruction IS OVERWHELMING! Overwhelming! So much has been destroyed, and the efforts at our continued destruction and oppression are so obvious to me as you and your fellow Americans live in denial about it. FUCK! I'VE EVEN LIVED IN DENIAL ABOUT IT JUST TO SURVIVE IN IT! But not all of you are blind to it, and many of you struggle against it. But you who don't must understand the depths of this horrific destruction because it is done all over the world...historically and right here and now.
When I tell you I want it all back, your interest turns to yourselves. Fuck the destruction and most HORRIFIC terror you and your people have put us through, you ALWAYS want me to think about you so you and your fellow Americans don't have to face the destruction you created. I know most of you live in FEAR that I, and so many others, would treat you exactly the way you treated us. That is why when I say "I want it all back" your minds immediately float to your personal deportation and potential property loss (which is illegally yours to begin with) instead of indigenous history, genocide, imported diseases, diabetes, alcohol, and you and your fellow Americans NEVER think of changing things or doing anything that is honesly "RIGHT!"
I will NEVER forget that little cracker ass peckerwood piece of privileged white male shit at a Ward Churchill lecture at Reed College. Ward discussed all sorts of illegal and genocidal maneuvers of the U.S. government against Indians, especially lands covered under treaties as well as the genocide of Indians past and present. He also mentioned the Madeline Albright quote where she declared her complicity in genocide of the people of Iraq when she stated that the 5000 children dying each month in Iraq are an acceptable loss. What did this first fucking stupid ass white boy ask after plying Ward about treaty lands and his own personal rights and fears of deportation? "What about me?" The stupid fuck was almost crying! It was fucking amazing! What a waste of an alleged education! Reed College has been knocked down about a million notches in my book, and I've even told my daughter she will not be going there even if she gets a full scholarship because every subsequent stupid cracker ass white boy "of privilege" that followed had questions that also amouted to, "What about me?" Out of the dozen people that asked questions, only one was not a white boy. She was of Asian decent and on the faculty and was genuinely embarassed by the students. She didn't say..."What about me?" No one but her asked about the conditions of indigenous life and the genocide of our peoples. No one mentioned Madeline Albrights blatant confession of complicity in genocide or the thousands of children dying in Iraq. It was all; "What about me?"
To further illustrate my point, here; what, honestly, is the likelyhood we'd get it all back? A trillion to one, maybe? Maybe even greater? The rule of force is in authority here. You and your fellow Americans are continuing the genocide against us Indigenous peoples to guarantee your place as the "master race." You are continuing to destroy our environment, economies, health, culture, langauges, ways of life, spirituality, etc. We can't stop you. You'll do whatever you want because...well...you can. And then when we bring up your laws, as you always throw them in our face when the laws fall on your side, you and your stupid fucking fellow Americans immediately start crying "What about me?" Like we could really do something to you with ANY authority. The rule of FORCE is on your side. And besides, assholes, WE ARE NOT YOU! What makes you think that I would in anyway want to be like you and start major extermination policies of you and your fellow Americans like YOU ACTUALLY DID AND DO TO US? I don't want to be like you! I know what it feels like to face all of your asshole wrath. I know what it is like to be FORCED to live in a manner I would not choose if I had an ACTUAL CHOICE.
And all of your stupid fucking "what about me['s]?" do nothing but avoid the conversation you FREELY CHOOSE not to have. YOU don't want to be made to feel uncomfortable. YOU don't want to have to take personal responsibility, let alone social responsibility. YOU don't want to do what is right because it might cut into your PRIVILEGE!
As I continue to read Winona's book, "Reclaiming the Sacred," and see all the resistance made by YOU and your fellow asshole Americans in support of the genocide of Indigenous peoples out of FEAR of losing some of your ILL GOTTEN gain, you so fucking offend me. But still, YOU and your fellow asshole Americans want me to "talk nice." We've talked nice, only to have you all fuck us up the ass even more. We are FORCED to talk nice because if we don't, you all will get more fierce in your attacks on us out of fear of your "What about me?" BULLSHIT! Talking nice just means you don't have to listen. Talking mean means you'll simply refuse to listen. What is the fucking difference? How do we get your fucking genocidal boot off our neck before you and your asshole fellow Americans "complete the job?"
So, right here, right now, I will tell you what I think. No, I will not treat YOU and your fellow asshole Americans like you all did and do treat us. I hate it! It fucking hurts! It fucking pisses me off! It IS a crime! It would make me YOU, and I can't stand that idea. So, here is MY message from ME to YOU and your asshole fellow fucking Americans:
GO FUCK YOURSELVES!
I have no fear in facing your genocidal activities, not like you do about the slim possibilities that you may have to take responsibility or give any of your ill gotten gain back.
PS and yes, I STILL WANT IT ALL BACK! Try to think about it like this, whitey. What if you woke up this morning and found yourself as a Red Nigger? What would your world look like, you fucking piece of shit?! Can you feel empathy? I doubt it!UP YOURS!
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