Thursday, May 25, 2006
Triggers
On the cover of the Willamette Week is a man who is a child molester. I can't look, I can't read, but at the same time, I can't avoid because the fucking rag is in eyeshot no matter where I go and I can't wait for next week when he'll be gone from my sight. No breakdowns, which is good. I had a series of breakdowns triggered by a similar event last year. They lasted three days, off and on. So, for those of you who don't understand these type of things, maybe you haven't experienced such a thing, but I know the stats and know many of you have.
I'll talk about this on my terms and my terms only. I can sometimes discuss it on my blog. I can sometimes discuss it with strangers. Most of you will never know the details. DO NOT ask me about it. It was used as a weapon of abuse by my last wife who brought it up every fucking day for which I will probably never forgive her for. Don't ask me, and don't ask anyone you know this has happened too about it. It should only be done on their own terms, and they may never say a word about it to you nor about how they feel about it or how it effects their everyday life...because it effects their everyday life.
Here, I am brave enough to hand you this bit of information on me on a public forum because, if it aint happened to you, you need to know about this shit. You need to know how to conduct yourself around issues of physical and psychological trauma because, the pain never ends for the victims and no, we can't "just get over it." It's been 37 years, and there is not a day that goes by that I don't feel it. Some of the pain heals. Some heals and comes back, sometimes even worse. It is something I have to deal with. Something I have to live with. It is like my breath. No! This is not the victim mentality, it is the FUCKING TRUTH!
I probably wouldn't even be writing this to you were it not for the fact that no matter where I walk, I HAVE TO SEE THAT FUCKING FACE ON THE COVER OF THE WILLAMETTE WEEK! Willy Week is everywhere, and seeing the cover makes me feel uncomfortable, a trigger. It's in my fucking face just like my ex-wife was in using it against me. I can't escape, and maybe others can get something good from that article about that fucking piece of shit rapist, so I don't throw those rags away or turn them over or even touch them if I can avoid it, other than the first time when I picked it up and read the headline.
So far I'm doing well. I'm sure there are reasons for my doing well, and no DON'T FUCKING ASK!
Rule #1! DON'T FUCKING ASK! DON'T BRING IT UP! NOT JUST TO ME, BUT TO ANYONE WHO MAY HAVE SUFFERED SUCH TRAUMA!
When I was in my 20's, I had a fascination with asking Vietnam Vets about their experience, trying to understand what they went through. I learned an important lesson when a friend of mine went off on me about it. "DON'T ASK ME ABOUT THIS FUCKING SHIT! IT FUCKING HURTS!"
If I know you, I might talk to you about it. I may even bring it up in front of an audience, to people in private conversations, but I will bring it up on my terms...OR NOT! DON'T ASK! And it is the same for everyone else that has been traumatized. Don't ask, even if you know. People will bring it up on their own terms, or they won't. If they don't, then it is none of your fucking business.
I tell you these things for your benefit and for the benefit of those you Love and those who may have been raped in their childhood or otherwise or otherwise traumatized. For our health, and your health, don't ask, because...when I get up from this computer, I know somewhere at this radio station...I'll be seeing the cover of the Willamette Week, and it is triggering something in me, and I don't like it.
I'll talk about this on my terms and my terms only. I can sometimes discuss it on my blog. I can sometimes discuss it with strangers. Most of you will never know the details. DO NOT ask me about it. It was used as a weapon of abuse by my last wife who brought it up every fucking day for which I will probably never forgive her for. Don't ask me, and don't ask anyone you know this has happened too about it. It should only be done on their own terms, and they may never say a word about it to you nor about how they feel about it or how it effects their everyday life...because it effects their everyday life.
Here, I am brave enough to hand you this bit of information on me on a public forum because, if it aint happened to you, you need to know about this shit. You need to know how to conduct yourself around issues of physical and psychological trauma because, the pain never ends for the victims and no, we can't "just get over it." It's been 37 years, and there is not a day that goes by that I don't feel it. Some of the pain heals. Some heals and comes back, sometimes even worse. It is something I have to deal with. Something I have to live with. It is like my breath. No! This is not the victim mentality, it is the FUCKING TRUTH!
I probably wouldn't even be writing this to you were it not for the fact that no matter where I walk, I HAVE TO SEE THAT FUCKING FACE ON THE COVER OF THE WILLAMETTE WEEK! Willy Week is everywhere, and seeing the cover makes me feel uncomfortable, a trigger. It's in my fucking face just like my ex-wife was in using it against me. I can't escape, and maybe others can get something good from that article about that fucking piece of shit rapist, so I don't throw those rags away or turn them over or even touch them if I can avoid it, other than the first time when I picked it up and read the headline.
So far I'm doing well. I'm sure there are reasons for my doing well, and no DON'T FUCKING ASK!
Rule #1! DON'T FUCKING ASK! DON'T BRING IT UP! NOT JUST TO ME, BUT TO ANYONE WHO MAY HAVE SUFFERED SUCH TRAUMA!
When I was in my 20's, I had a fascination with asking Vietnam Vets about their experience, trying to understand what they went through. I learned an important lesson when a friend of mine went off on me about it. "DON'T ASK ME ABOUT THIS FUCKING SHIT! IT FUCKING HURTS!"
If I know you, I might talk to you about it. I may even bring it up in front of an audience, to people in private conversations, but I will bring it up on my terms...OR NOT! DON'T ASK! And it is the same for everyone else that has been traumatized. Don't ask, even if you know. People will bring it up on their own terms, or they won't. If they don't, then it is none of your fucking business.
I tell you these things for your benefit and for the benefit of those you Love and those who may have been raped in their childhood or otherwise or otherwise traumatized. For our health, and your health, don't ask, because...when I get up from this computer, I know somewhere at this radio station...I'll be seeing the cover of the Willamette Week, and it is triggering something in me, and I don't like it.
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