Pudgy Indian

And yet again!
I awoke this morning,
barely remembering my dreams
feeling happy,
then becoming angry.
My energy was so focused on that
which I can do nothing about
and a path on which I have led myself.
My responsibility.
It is not the responsibility of my co-workers,
the head honcho in his suits two sizes too big,
but mine.
We are all just dancing along
together in this energy.

Reading Rilke
as he discusses writing
with a young poet,
I suddenly find myself thinking of Raven and Seagull.
How Seagull had stolen the sun
and Raven,
tired of wandering in the darkness,
understanding that the people
were suffering greatly
decided to take the journey to retrieve the sun
from Seagull.
"Keep good thoughts in your heart for me,"
he requested of all the peoples.

And where have my good thoughts been?
Many have remained with me,
My Love for Mikhelle,
The Love of my friends,
The desire for it all back,
The desire to reach across turtles back
to touch you, my Love,
To feel our bodies melt as one
To feel our souls melt as one.

But this pain has been horrible, my friends
My thoughts brutally vindictive
and all within the boundaries of acceptable
behavior in this culture
but not acceptable in mine
I rode the rough waves
and you all have carried me through
and I send blessings and Love your way
to all of you
because you all deserve it.

Suddenly I felt lighter and beautiful,
Even though I just pulled
a hunk of eggyolk
from my beard,
a remnant of this mornings breakfast
that makes me surprised that Blue,
our Food Obsessed puppy
all of 12 years old
had not knocked me down
and claimed as unclaimed food
for himself.

I take my time, this morning,
and take the second bus,
passing on conversations
with my favorite bus driver.
I read more of Rilke
when I felt the urge to put the book down
I look out the window and...
Everything is so Green.
And fuck!
I'm not even high!
And it is all so beautiful.

Suddenly,
I find myself amongst a bus community.
All these people talking
and maybe this is the only place they meet
on this second route of the morning
heading into town.
It is beautiful and amazing
and I imagine you with me, Mikhelle,
enjoying the beauty of this little community!
What fun!
And a woman talks of how she forgot her best friends birthday,
and they tease her
and I realize
Today is Heidi's birthday
so I play along with the crowd
pull out my cell phone,
call her up
as she was already awake before I left,
and I wish her a happy birthday
much to the delight of the crowd
who of course
is listening.

I cross the bridge,
and the sun is bright
and I stare into its beauty for a breath
and think of the Sundancers
who are walking their path to the creator
giving pieces of their body
because we truly only have that
for all of our lives
and then we offer it back
at the end.

And in my heart and mind
I make peace with all those I've been so angry with.
My boss, whom I imagine getting angry with me
for actions I take
and I just let her know
I Love her
because really...
what use has been the anger I've felt for her
these last few weeks.
I make peace with my replacement.
I make peace with my institutionally racist work mate
and I will leave the place in peace
which is much better than the bitter anger
I've been feeling.
I will leave there in peace and beauty
which is what I've prayed for and so desired.

I feel the healing from that prayer.
I feel the healing from that prayer.
I feel the healing from that prayer.
Beauty, Beauty, Beautiful...

And there you are,
my Love
on the other side of turtles back
and always in my soul and heart!
I Love you so, Mikhelle!
I Love you so!

Here at the BOO,
as I write this poem,
Carlos Chavez
tells me of his family history
and discusses one of my favorite subjects...FOOD!

Tonight I will start a Polynesian Dance Class
With Heidi.

Today I chose not to wear a hat.
I wear my scarf to the left,
one of my tie-dye like scarves,
I think of the scarf that touched your body
and rests on my bed
And today is another day!
And it is beautiful.

Eric, at Grendel's
let me bum coffee today
and he put extra whipped cream on top
and I think of you!
We talked of joy and good thoughts and beauty!
I ate the whipped cream from the top
in a joyful delight...

KBOO made its pledge drive goal,
The staff is starting to take
their much needed rests,
I will walk to my work
in the beautiful sunshine
and think of you, my Love.

Maybe it was the humor, yesterday,
as my friend Cynthia called
and I let her know what was going on in my life
and she told me of hers.
Her desire to step away from married men
who seem to pursue her above all others.
She went on a date with a man
to a sauna at a massage school
and when they were finished
he asked her what motivated her to go out with him.
And she told him
that she has been trying to break the spell of married men
that keep coming into her life.
And he tells her
that he is married,
but separated and lives just two doors down
from his wife.

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!

This morning as I walk into KBOO to write to you,
Chris tells me how her horse ran down the fence
to be with her in the garden,
and how all of her other horses
wanted to follow.
She waved her crutch,
and they changed their minds,
and she wrapped her arm around her horse and said,
"We're gonna walk back through the fence,
and you aren't gonna give me any problems."
They took their journey in peace.

Chris tells me her favorite quote of Nixon
as she tells me, "We're all fucked!" with a laugh.
"Fuck the damned!" is her favorite Nixon quote.
"Mine is; 'Pray with me Henry.'"
Chris laughs in a delight
that tickles my soul.

Mikhelle, I Love you so dearly!
That, My Love, is my favorite good thought of all.