Saturday, April 08, 2006
Some More...
I think I manifested some shit in my life, here. But where there is shit, there is fertilizer. Where there is fertilizer, you place some seeds or bulbs of beautiful flowers, or food plants, or medicinal plants, or all of the above and grow some beautiful and useful life forms out of a great big pile of shit.
My boss didn't get my schedule right, and scheduled me to work this Saturday, today. I knew I'd have to call in sick, but I really don't give a shit at the moment, and more about that in a few. I thought I'd call in and say I was having breakdowns. Well, wouldn't you know it, I actually have been having some breakdowns. But that is not a bad thing, not just because it means I was telling the truth when I talked with the biggest asshole that works at the company who told me, as I was crying, that I'd have to talk about this with my boss. I don't really care. It doesn't bother me. As I sit here and write this, I imagine myself telling asshole the truth. "Barb, I Love you. There are many beautiful things about you. The way you smile and laugh especially in talking about your grandson, whom you obviously Love very much. But you are also an asshole and make life miserable at this workplace and have done curel things such as doctor the books in order to get other people I Love in trouble. For that, you are deserving of the title...'asshole.' Many blessings and good health to you sister, and I pray that you can deal with that asshole part of yourself because you cause way too much stress on people because you believe it is a sign of your authority and power."
I also imagine extorting my boss in going to the head of the company and exposing all the shit that I've seen going on and I could probably make things pretty ugly there. All I need and ask is the time to find the things that I need to get out of there, because, you see, my workplace has now become the archetype of my rapist. When I was a child, I was raped by bigger people because they could easily force their control upon my body. I had my arms almost jerked out of their sockets and my ass beat because these were bigger people and they could get away with that crime because there was no one there to protect me. There are many other examples.
Now, a shortish white man that wears suits that look too big on his narrow frame has the authroity over my economy like the rapists had authroity over my body. He can force me to do whatever he so chooses for me to do. Pure and simple. He says this is within the law. Marijuana is not against the law, it is against a regulation. That regulation is enforced by punitive and often brutal acts by the police, judges, prison guards, other prisoners, etc. Laws are things like, "...treaties are the supreme law of the land" (article 6, section 2, U.S. constitution). Treaties are contracts between nations. Contracts are like the agreements you sign when you buy a car. You are legally bound to make payments in order to possess said property. You don't make payments, or break the contract, as it were, the conditions of the agreement return to what they were prior to the signing of the agreement. The treaties (contracts) signed between my peoples and the U.S. government have all been violated, which has even been admitted by the U.S. government. That means, literally, according to the law, that this land belongs to me and my people.
I could, of course, go on and on about the law, but it would not change the conditions of which I have guided my life currently and WITH REASON! I am just showing you here that this has nothing to do with the law and everything to do with domination, of which rape is not only an act of violence, but of domination. Showing one who is boss of who and if you don't willingly submit, you will be forced to submit, and that is within the pervue of the dominator culture within which we all life. That is one of the biggest reasons why I will tell you that what we need is a Revolution, and that Revolution has to start within the mind, heart, and soul of all human beings. I'm looking for that "hundreth monkey" here.
I keep my eye on this prize. That is what gets me through this current round of breakdowns. That is why I've guided myself down this path, though for the most part unconsciously. I need to clean this serious shit out of my soul, turn it to fertilizer, and create many beautiful things out of it. I already have in many ways, but there are some big kinks that have created some serious blockages. For you see...
This path has also led me to Love.
All of my current dam bursting comes from that abuse I experienced as a child. I have done ceremonies. Last night, I imagined going back, telling my cousin to "KNOCK IT OFF!" and embracing him and letting him know I Love him. I told him I understood where his pain came from. It came from a sexually abusive uncle, I'm sure. Uncle got it from boarding school. Boarding school IS an act of genocide. And we commit, as Inga Muscio said in her book "Autobiography of a Blue Eyed Devil," auto-genocide. We perpetuate the genocidal maniacs desire of destruction of all of our people ("EXTERMINATE THEM! EXTERMINATE THEM!" was chanted by the great white masses at the inquiry into Chivington's genocidal actions at Sand Creek against the Cheynne Nation.) I understand this. I choose not to perpetuate that action. I choose to look at the root of this monster, and I am going to get everything back!
My chest hurts. My body aches. My eyes feel swollen and red from all of the tears, which also happen to be tears of joy, because I am falling in Love just the way I am supposed to, and she said she Loves me, too. And we are taking our time in the beautiful distance that currently keeps us apart because we have things we need to heal from and we get to start our relationship in a sweet beauty that is functional and expanding moment by moment before we even meet.
I know I must move on from my workplace. I am praying hard and in many beautiful ways and ceremonies to bring about that change in a good manner that brings success and abundance. I know the spirits are out there. I know my angry energy is real. I pray to that filthy feeling from my work. I pray to that beautiful feeling from my next place of beauty and abundance. This has not been an easy path. But it is a good path! It is a path of beauty and Love! It is a path of good health!
One of our rights is silence. There is a place for silence, to listen, to find the guidance in the darkness from within, from the light and beauty that surrounds us, from the uncomfortable situations in which we guide our lives...and right there...right there...in the middle of it all...in the middle of all the pain and beauty...is...
REVOLUTION!
My boss didn't get my schedule right, and scheduled me to work this Saturday, today. I knew I'd have to call in sick, but I really don't give a shit at the moment, and more about that in a few. I thought I'd call in and say I was having breakdowns. Well, wouldn't you know it, I actually have been having some breakdowns. But that is not a bad thing, not just because it means I was telling the truth when I talked with the biggest asshole that works at the company who told me, as I was crying, that I'd have to talk about this with my boss. I don't really care. It doesn't bother me. As I sit here and write this, I imagine myself telling asshole the truth. "Barb, I Love you. There are many beautiful things about you. The way you smile and laugh especially in talking about your grandson, whom you obviously Love very much. But you are also an asshole and make life miserable at this workplace and have done curel things such as doctor the books in order to get other people I Love in trouble. For that, you are deserving of the title...'asshole.' Many blessings and good health to you sister, and I pray that you can deal with that asshole part of yourself because you cause way too much stress on people because you believe it is a sign of your authority and power."
I also imagine extorting my boss in going to the head of the company and exposing all the shit that I've seen going on and I could probably make things pretty ugly there. All I need and ask is the time to find the things that I need to get out of there, because, you see, my workplace has now become the archetype of my rapist. When I was a child, I was raped by bigger people because they could easily force their control upon my body. I had my arms almost jerked out of their sockets and my ass beat because these were bigger people and they could get away with that crime because there was no one there to protect me. There are many other examples.
Now, a shortish white man that wears suits that look too big on his narrow frame has the authroity over my economy like the rapists had authroity over my body. He can force me to do whatever he so chooses for me to do. Pure and simple. He says this is within the law. Marijuana is not against the law, it is against a regulation. That regulation is enforced by punitive and often brutal acts by the police, judges, prison guards, other prisoners, etc. Laws are things like, "...treaties are the supreme law of the land" (article 6, section 2, U.S. constitution). Treaties are contracts between nations. Contracts are like the agreements you sign when you buy a car. You are legally bound to make payments in order to possess said property. You don't make payments, or break the contract, as it were, the conditions of the agreement return to what they were prior to the signing of the agreement. The treaties (contracts) signed between my peoples and the U.S. government have all been violated, which has even been admitted by the U.S. government. That means, literally, according to the law, that this land belongs to me and my people.
I could, of course, go on and on about the law, but it would not change the conditions of which I have guided my life currently and WITH REASON! I am just showing you here that this has nothing to do with the law and everything to do with domination, of which rape is not only an act of violence, but of domination. Showing one who is boss of who and if you don't willingly submit, you will be forced to submit, and that is within the pervue of the dominator culture within which we all life. That is one of the biggest reasons why I will tell you that what we need is a Revolution, and that Revolution has to start within the mind, heart, and soul of all human beings. I'm looking for that "hundreth monkey" here.
I keep my eye on this prize. That is what gets me through this current round of breakdowns. That is why I've guided myself down this path, though for the most part unconsciously. I need to clean this serious shit out of my soul, turn it to fertilizer, and create many beautiful things out of it. I already have in many ways, but there are some big kinks that have created some serious blockages. For you see...
This path has also led me to Love.
All of my current dam bursting comes from that abuse I experienced as a child. I have done ceremonies. Last night, I imagined going back, telling my cousin to "KNOCK IT OFF!" and embracing him and letting him know I Love him. I told him I understood where his pain came from. It came from a sexually abusive uncle, I'm sure. Uncle got it from boarding school. Boarding school IS an act of genocide. And we commit, as Inga Muscio said in her book "Autobiography of a Blue Eyed Devil," auto-genocide. We perpetuate the genocidal maniacs desire of destruction of all of our people ("EXTERMINATE THEM! EXTERMINATE THEM!" was chanted by the great white masses at the inquiry into Chivington's genocidal actions at Sand Creek against the Cheynne Nation.) I understand this. I choose not to perpetuate that action. I choose to look at the root of this monster, and I am going to get everything back!
My chest hurts. My body aches. My eyes feel swollen and red from all of the tears, which also happen to be tears of joy, because I am falling in Love just the way I am supposed to, and she said she Loves me, too. And we are taking our time in the beautiful distance that currently keeps us apart because we have things we need to heal from and we get to start our relationship in a sweet beauty that is functional and expanding moment by moment before we even meet.
I know I must move on from my workplace. I am praying hard and in many beautiful ways and ceremonies to bring about that change in a good manner that brings success and abundance. I know the spirits are out there. I know my angry energy is real. I pray to that filthy feeling from my work. I pray to that beautiful feeling from my next place of beauty and abundance. This has not been an easy path. But it is a good path! It is a path of beauty and Love! It is a path of good health!
One of our rights is silence. There is a place for silence, to listen, to find the guidance in the darkness from within, from the light and beauty that surrounds us, from the uncomfortable situations in which we guide our lives...and right there...right there...in the middle of it all...in the middle of all the pain and beauty...is...
REVOLUTION!
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