Friday, April 14, 2006
Depressed
Today I'm a bit depressed, but reading Mikhelle's blog has raised my spirits. Thank you beautiful. That was a wonderful post.
I had good dreams last night, but I think it's just the weight of the shit kind of got to me this morning: the salmon, Chewana, the continued genocide of Indian people, my fucking shithole work place.
Work is the only thing I can immediately do something about. It is a weight on my soul and I don't have a lot of time to look for something else. Everyday I go there I get depressed. The lavendar spray Cynthia gave me keeps me from breaking down, but the place gives me a level of depression that is just tough to work through.
Today I'm supposed to go for a piss test, but check this weird dysfunctional behavior bullshit out. They have not talked to me about it at all. I've decided that it is not MY JOB to make sure these assholes do their job by doing such obscure and odd things like, talking to their employees where there is an issue going on with their work. No one has talked to me about the impending drug test. No one has told me that when I come to work today, someone will drive me down or if I have to walk my ass back across the river to the testing center and walk back to work or what. They just choose NOT TO communicate with me. I will be fired if I don't pass, which in a way would be a great fucking relief, and create a great fucking stress. If I pass, I have no idea. I don't know if they'll continue their punitive punishment of me; keep me in the store and let the other guy continue to drive, will I be like the other guy was and drive only when necessary at my continued pay scale, will I be back on the truck. No one has told me. I guess I'll be left dangling. Tomorrow I will call in sick again since no one wants to take my shift so I can complete my poem video. I also have my daughter. Everyday I go there, I'm depressed. It is beating on my soul. But everday I am away from there, I feel beauty. I still find beauty in all of it. I find beauty in the people that come there and shop or pass by. I find beauty in some of my fellow employees. I find beauty in the walk there and the walk back. I find beauty in the flowers, rain, sunshine, all of it.
Today, I talked with a worm. It was trying to cross the asphalt street in the rain as I waited for the bus. I thought of picking it up, but they wiggle in such pain when I do this no matter how careful I am. I was worried about the little creature. I started talking with it. "Hey, little buddy. Crossing the street is not such a safe thing for you guys. I've seen many of your people killed, ran over by cars or stepped on by humans. It's not a safe idea. I don't know why you guys feel the need to do this when it rains, but I think it would be safer for you to take a right turn and head back for the grass." As I waited for the bus and my bus mate, Violetta, showed and we small talked and waited, I looked down on the wet pave ment to see the worm heading back for the grass.
I'm not so depressed now.
One last thing, my treasure of a publisher, Leas, yesterday gave me a medicine bag he made. It has sweetgrass and tobacco and "a medicine that is sacred to the Coos," as he put it. I haven't had him explain that one to me yet, nor am I sure if that is to remain a mystery. But what a wonderful man to give me such a gift. THANK YOU, LEAS!
So many people have done so much for me in this last couple of weeks since my breakdown. Mikhelle, Starr, Ani, Leas, Cynthia, Leigh Anne, Julie, Carolyn, Carly, David, Jim, Heidi, Karin, and others I'm sure I haven't mentioned. THANK YOU ALL! It's been a rough ride at times, but know I share Love with so many people creates strength within my soul to move through this. Plus, I've fallen in Love, too. She knows who she is, but I'm not too sure if I want to announce it yet. I have to tell you, it is the most beautiful feeling I have ever felt, and she tells me I make her feel the same way. I'm in Love! Depression...FEH! I'M IN LOVE!
I had good dreams last night, but I think it's just the weight of the shit kind of got to me this morning: the salmon, Chewana, the continued genocide of Indian people, my fucking shithole work place.
Work is the only thing I can immediately do something about. It is a weight on my soul and I don't have a lot of time to look for something else. Everyday I go there I get depressed. The lavendar spray Cynthia gave me keeps me from breaking down, but the place gives me a level of depression that is just tough to work through.
Today I'm supposed to go for a piss test, but check this weird dysfunctional behavior bullshit out. They have not talked to me about it at all. I've decided that it is not MY JOB to make sure these assholes do their job by doing such obscure and odd things like, talking to their employees where there is an issue going on with their work. No one has talked to me about the impending drug test. No one has told me that when I come to work today, someone will drive me down or if I have to walk my ass back across the river to the testing center and walk back to work or what. They just choose NOT TO communicate with me. I will be fired if I don't pass, which in a way would be a great fucking relief, and create a great fucking stress. If I pass, I have no idea. I don't know if they'll continue their punitive punishment of me; keep me in the store and let the other guy continue to drive, will I be like the other guy was and drive only when necessary at my continued pay scale, will I be back on the truck. No one has told me. I guess I'll be left dangling. Tomorrow I will call in sick again since no one wants to take my shift so I can complete my poem video. I also have my daughter. Everyday I go there, I'm depressed. It is beating on my soul. But everday I am away from there, I feel beauty. I still find beauty in all of it. I find beauty in the people that come there and shop or pass by. I find beauty in some of my fellow employees. I find beauty in the walk there and the walk back. I find beauty in the flowers, rain, sunshine, all of it.
Today, I talked with a worm. It was trying to cross the asphalt street in the rain as I waited for the bus. I thought of picking it up, but they wiggle in such pain when I do this no matter how careful I am. I was worried about the little creature. I started talking with it. "Hey, little buddy. Crossing the street is not such a safe thing for you guys. I've seen many of your people killed, ran over by cars or stepped on by humans. It's not a safe idea. I don't know why you guys feel the need to do this when it rains, but I think it would be safer for you to take a right turn and head back for the grass." As I waited for the bus and my bus mate, Violetta, showed and we small talked and waited, I looked down on the wet pave ment to see the worm heading back for the grass.
I'm not so depressed now.
One last thing, my treasure of a publisher, Leas, yesterday gave me a medicine bag he made. It has sweetgrass and tobacco and "a medicine that is sacred to the Coos," as he put it. I haven't had him explain that one to me yet, nor am I sure if that is to remain a mystery. But what a wonderful man to give me such a gift. THANK YOU, LEAS!
So many people have done so much for me in this last couple of weeks since my breakdown. Mikhelle, Starr, Ani, Leas, Cynthia, Leigh Anne, Julie, Carolyn, Carly, David, Jim, Heidi, Karin, and others I'm sure I haven't mentioned. THANK YOU ALL! It's been a rough ride at times, but know I share Love with so many people creates strength within my soul to move through this. Plus, I've fallen in Love, too. She knows who she is, but I'm not too sure if I want to announce it yet. I have to tell you, it is the most beautiful feeling I have ever felt, and she tells me I make her feel the same way. I'm in Love! Depression...FEH! I'M IN LOVE!
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