Pudgy Indian

I know my friends hate hearing me be self-depricating. It is easy for me, and there are reasons for that. But, since I am so good at it, I decided to talk about it here.

1.

It's easy as being raped when you're five
to hate myself.
It's as easy
as living with an alcoholic father
dying a slow death
and hating himself
for being married to a woman who hated him.
It was so easy to hate myself
like it was for my mother
to barely recognize my existence.
She wanted a boy so bad
maybe in some false belief
that I could somehow save her world.
But when my penis did become a magic wand
and save her world
I guess I just wasn't worth
the consideration.
Just an inconvenience
like the alcoholic Indian husband
she stayed with
for the kids...
because we still needed to be punished.

Yep, hating myself
can at times
be as easy as it was
to get raped when I was five.

2.

When I think of asking a woman out,
I attempt to self-depricate.
I know when I'm doing it,
and honestly,
writing about it like this
is actually helping me let it go.

But it is so easy for me to hate myself!
My first wife so hated my body
as to call me ugly,
as to describe my body to me
like it was the most vile thing
she had ever witnessed.

After 8 years of that,
5 and a half years of another wife
who hated the rest of me
and told me so on a regular basis.

Upon leaving both of these women,
they both wanted me back.
Maybe they thought
I hadn't been punished enough,
but I love myself enough
to know that I was done being punished.

3.

When I brush my teeth
I have to look at myself in the mirror.
It is not an easy task for me
considering the treatment I've faced
thus far in my life.
"I HATE YOU!"
rings in my ears.
"You're ugly!"
does as well.
And everytime I brush my teeth
I have to look at the hated ugly one

4.

Being an Indian
doesn't help either.
The stereotypes blasted in the media.
The occupation of my land
the destruction of my land
not being able to do anything
about this crazy monster
that is fucking my land,
raping my land
like a priest.

5.

But I love myself, too.
I love to write.
I love to sing on the bus
and confuse the fuck out of the people
around me.
I love to skip down the road
just for the fuck of it.
I love to pray to my sister
the Willamette River
everytime I cross the Burnside Bridge.

I Love my friends,
and my friends Love me.
They Love me so much
as to treat me better
than any wife or Lover I've ever had.
We hang out,
laugh, joke, talk politics, life, Love...
We share our humanity.
My friends don't call me ugly.
My friends don't tell me they hate me.
I Love my friends,
and they Love me.

I Love the work I do on the radio
and television.
I Love telling everyone
I know how mean the fucking monster is.
I'm a product of its slaughter tactics,
and I'm still alive
and I still want it all back.

I Love the Revolutionary in me
because I Love the generations yet to come...
all of those
I will never know
other than as a soft wind
caressing their spirits
and thanking them
for being alive.

I Love sex,
though I'm not having any.
I know sex is good!
I know many people
are having good sex
and regenerating
all those wonderful feelings in life.

I Love celebration.
I Love to dance.
I Love to make a fool of myself.
I Love to talk with strangers
and discuss Revolution.

I Love teepee meetings,
sweats and sundances.
I Love a good joke.
I Love stories.
I Love poetry.
I Love learning.

6.

Currently,
I'm not in Love.
Much of the time
I'm scared because
Love to me has been
being told I'm ugly
being told I'm hated.
Like an idiot,
I thought pumping more Love
into the situation
and doing more things
for the women I was in Love with
would help.
But it didn't.
It never does.
I Loved myself enough
to leave them...
I don't Love myself enough
to try again.
The idea of waking up
next to a woman
who I know is gonna call me ugly
or tell me she hates me
isn't exactly on the top of my
"things to do" list.
So when I think of dating,
it is much easier
to hate myself
so a woman I may fall in love with
doesn't have to
and I can still do the things I need to do
without having to try and put
more and more Love into a situation
that is just not going to improve.

At the same time,
spirit has taken it upon themselves
to show me how Love
is actually supposed to feel,
supposed to be.
They suprised me at a teepee meeting.
But knowing is not doing.
Being alone
is so much safer
than falling in Love
and getting treated like shit.

I wake up in the morning
and I don't think of the insults or yelling
I'll have to face
throughout the day
by the woman
who alleges to Love me
most in the world.

I know these views of life
are not written in stone.
I know people have great relationships
where abuse doesn't happen.
I know Love can be the most beautiful thing in the world
and bring many fulfilling challenges
and journeys and gifts.
But it hasn't been that way for me
and I'm scared it won't be that way
no matter who I may fall in love with.

A friend once told me
she couldn't see a woman
treating me like shit.
She could only see a woman
doing whatever was necessary
to make me happy
and to keep me interested
in her.
I, however, can only see
a woman hating me
and calling me ugly.

Maybe things will change,
or maybe I'll live the rest of my life
alone
struggling for Revolution.
Only time will tell.