Pudgy Indian

There is a lot going on in my life, right now.

Today, I went on a date (I think it will become a friendship, which I think I prefer in this situation). Tonight, my daughter and I are going to a live show. Currently my last ex is hanging with her in another room which makes me apprehensive remembering her verbally abusive behavior. Makes me uncomfortable. My daughter says she likes her better now and I remind her my ex is still the same person and that behavior still exists in her. It is OK to hang with her in public because she will behave at the moment. Still, it makes me uncomfortable, especially since I have to deal with her down at the station. I have to hug her for (at least I tell myself) diplomatic reasons. Keeping peace. Dealing with someone I'd rather not deal with, and at least it is only on rare occasions (once or twice a month), but the feeling is still the same. I don't feel safe. But I know it is safe. I don't want her in my house. I don't want her to know where I live. I don't want her hanging with my kid (though she is at the moment and my kid will tell me it's OK, but it is not OK with me). ...It is not OK with me.

I just have to write, since I am here at the moment, and creative stuff isn't coming out. Dealing with life stuff is.

My publisher is getting more books printed as my last few books are committed to some people. We were shooting for a reading for the Indian students at PSU, or with the Native American Youth Association, but all are showing absolutely NO interest. My publisher is going to talk to the "Back to Back Cafe" and see if they'd be interested in hosting an event and maybe even get the Wobblies next door to allow us to use their space.

I went on a scouting mission with my publisher and a small group that wants to do a video of one of my poems. It is the "Oregon Holocaust Memorial" poem that is in the book and not on this blog. They photographed all the things mentioned in the poem and are going to put together a story board to properly express the poem. They plan on releasing it to film festivals. We'll see. But it should be fun and an interesting experience.

I'm currently starting to get upset the longer I hear my daughter and my ex laughing. If you understood with my daughter and I went through being with her, you'd probably understand. At the same time, I know that we are in a safe place, but it doesn't seem to matter as it just keeps getting more intense in my soul and it pisses me off that such anxiety still has a role in my life. I hate it...and I hate my ex.

OK, OK, OK...breathe, breathe, breathe...

What else is going on in my life? Tomorrow my friend Cynthia and I are going to get together and do some brainstorming. Cynthia is an awesome human being. You know, sometimes we meet people who are very special in this world. I know two of them. Cynthia, and another friend of mine, Orion. I know there are more, but I just have to get to know more people. I already know a lot of people, but...I want to get to know more.

There are marches coming here in Portland, one in solidarity with the farm workers next weekend, and two weeks after that an anti-war march remembering three years of illegal war and death in Iraq.

I can't think of anything else to talk about at the moment. My anxiety isn't getting worse, but it isn't getting better at the moment, either.

...argh...sigh...