Pudgy Indian

Tiny golden ribbons,
the rivulets of rivers
whose songs I can hear
but can't understand.
They are brief poems
on this earth.
Tiny golden rivulets
that shine little golden ribbons
across the asphalt
and under the street lights
through the ditches
across my feet
to destinations that I can only speculate about.

Consistent, with an "e", not an "a"

Stepping back from that very powerful
urge
to look for Lover-Love
gives me time to breathe
and look at the consistent patterns in my life.

Lover-Love.
It's always been a one way street
for me.
The more I look back,
the more I realize
the truth
in that consistent pattern.
Many times
that desire
has brought me into great friendships.
Twice,
that desire
has lead me to abusive relationships.
And looking back,
looking at those patterns,
I realize it has always
been a one way street.

Another consistent pattern
is women in committed relationships
or in situations
where Lover-Love
is out of the question for us,
find me interesting.
Some have even had crushes on me.
But,
those things
cannot lead
to Lover-Love.
Those who have boundaries
that prevent us from becoming Lover-Loves
at times
express an interest in me
but it is safe.
It is a one way street.
They never have to wake up with me.
They never have to put up
with hair on the bathroom floor.

I have been told
that there are numerous women interested in me
around here...somewhere.
Single women
are not interested in me
as Lover-Love.
If...someone...
or a group of someones...
were really intrested in me...
don't you think they would make it known...
somehow?
None do.
No single woman
has EVER walked up to me,
talked with me,
expressed an interest
in getting to know me,
asked if I'd like to go for coffee
or something
and talk some more.
A clear and consistent pattern.
It doesn't happen.
It suggests to me
that what I've heard
is actually not true.

The women
I want to get to know better
I usually wind up becoming friends with
or they run off
and we become nothing more
than acquaintances.

It must be me.
I don't mean that in a bad way.
I mean that these have been
consistent patterns in my life.
They will continue to be persistent patterns in my life.
Why do I live my life like that?
Well...
I could tell you why I live my life like that...
but unless you're my friend,
or maybe if you've read some of my poetry,
I just don't want to talk about it here.

Consistent...
I found out yesterday
that it is actually spelled with
an "e",
not an "a".

2. P.S.

Walking to work
across the Burnside Bridge
I drink my white chocolate mocha
that has tiny droplets of rain
on the lid
that bless my nose
with every sip.

If my patterns remain consistent,
I will again feel desire
to Love and be Loved
to feel Lover-Love.
These desires will again
go unfulfilled.
If there is a woman
I had a crush on,
We'll become friends.
I will wake up
alone
every morning
which is much better
than
sleeping with the enemy...
as I have done.

My favorite part
of my consistent pattern
of behavior
is the inspiration to write.
One thing
my unfulfilled desires creates
that I absolutely Love
is my desire
to fulfill that creative energy
onto the page.

Lover-Love
can be
a dangerous thing.
And to feel
the pain of unfulfilled desires
is much better
than
waking with the enemy.

"Hey, Gringo!"
a man yells from
a second floor
hotel room window.
"Hey, Gringo!
I need a whore.
Can you send me a whore?
Can you get me a whore?
Hey, Gringo!
Hey gringo!"

I look up
at the white man
who leans out of the window
above me.
I laugh
shake my head,
and continue my journey
to work
through the rain.
I notice my coat
is soaked enough
to feel the rain
on my right elbow.

The beautiful pains of unfulfilled desires...
The beautiful joys
of writing my Love
upon the page...

One pattern
I'll never follow
again
is my pattern
of waking with the enemy.
My new patterns
are much more fun
and interesting.