Monday, October 24, 2005
Why? (Divorced Life Part 2)
The question has been asked of me many times. Why did I get into the relationships I did?
Well, let me give a little history. I was raped when I was five. Childhood sexual abuse comes with a special damage that never really leaves, you just learn to deal with it better. I also grew up in a house with an alcoholic father and emotionless and loveless mother. My parents, for the last five years of my father's life, did nothing but YELL at each other anytime they were in the same room together.
I didn't date until I was 20. I had a girlfriend who used me. I left that relationship. I had an affair with a beautiful married woman, and though I loved her madly, she was married, and that didn't work out. I occasionally had sex with a friend for about 4 months, and then, for about four years, no woman showed any interest in me. Well, that's not exactly true. There were lots of women in committed relationships that thought I was adorable, and there were those words I heard over and over again: "If I were single..." However, single women found me repuslive. I couldn't get a date to save my life, and finally, I just gave up. Again, that old saying was proven wrong that if you stop trying, Love will finally come along.
Finally, a woman showed interest in me. Feeling so terribly lonely, I took the bait. Our relationship always felt uncomfortable to me, but hey, here was a woman who was actually interested in me, and was single. Once we were committed to get married, everything changed. Sex became a rare. We didn't even have sex the last 13 months we were together. I was told that I was "ugly" on occasion, but more often, I was just told how "bad" I looked, smelled, etc., how everything I did was wrong, and I found out she was complaining about me behind my back everytime she had a chance. Cuddling was a rare occurence and when it happened, it was brief. I was given looks of disgust by my wife everytime we were in public. She was basically telling me she was embarassed for settling for someone who looked like me. I cleaned more and more. I did whatever she told me. I poured all the love I could into our relationship. We adopted a wonderful little girl, Felicia, who is my third cousin. One day, my wife told me that I should wear pajamas to bed because to see my naked body was so disgusting. She didn't say it that way because referring to my body disgusted her, she gave me this look of revulsion that I will never forget. I decided to commit suicide. Not following through on my commitment to ending my life because I Love my daughter so much and myself just enough, I left my wife and went right into the arms of my second wife.
I was given lots of love and affection and told I looked nice...at first. Then the yelling started. It got more intense. I poured more Love into the relationship. I cooked and cleaned a lot. Every minor infraction would warrant a yelling sometimes so loud that she would actually be spitting in my face. I've been called a "stupid fucking idiot!" I had my race insulted repeatedly. I had my sex insulted repeatedly. I had my parenting insluted repeatedly. All of this overflowed into my daughters life as well, who was never good enough either. I was told I was genocidal. I was told I was abusive. I was reminded daily what a piece of shit I really am. Any compliments made about how I looked started to mean nothing because if I truly looked good as she told me, I don't believe she would have treated me in such a manner. It happened EVERY DAY! Every day I woke up, I would worry about how I would be yelled at that day. But I loved her. More love is the answer...No it's not. More love showed weakness and weakness was to be attacked in order to make...I have no idea. My religion was insulted as well. I was told frequently that I was hated by my last wife. Finally, my wife managed to verbally beat my love for her to death, and I left.
Thirteen and a half years of being treated like shit as well as being raised in a dysfunctional family pay a toll on ones soul.
Every morning I woke up, I worried about why I would be treated like shit today by the woman who alleged to love me most in the world. How can I avoid being treated like shit? What was so wrong with me that neither of these women could love me for me? A whole fucking lot! I lived a life of fear of being treated like shit any time I was around these two. How do I defend myself against the onslaught? How can I NOT be ugly today? How can I NOT be offensive today? How can I defend myself today against the women who allege to love me the most?
Now, I wake up, and the only person in my bed is me. It doesn't hurt to wake up. I don't fear waking up. I want to wake up. I try to make a difference in the world (something that was also insulted by both wives, though in different ways). I know today, I won't be treated like shit by the woman that alleges to love me most above all others because...she is not there to do so. If I remain alone, I remain happy.
I keep working on accepting the idea that I will NEVER have another lover relationship (I have over 40 years of life to go, yet). Sometimes I want to believe there is someone out there that will treat me with the love and respect I deserve, but a bigger part of me KNOWS that is not true. Maybe I DON'T deserve that type of love.
When I wake up, my bed is NOT empty. I am there. I think I'm a pretty decent fellow. I hate my body and see myself as ugly and unattractive, but that is NOT as important to me as changing the world for the better. Besides, my physical lack of attractiveness keeps away the women who will most likely eventually abuse me and treat me like shit for not being what they REALLY wanted.
I still look at and feel desire for women. However, I know that it is never mutual, and that is fine, because, like I said, I wake up in the morning, and there is no one in my bed who is going to treat me like shit whom I have to worry about how I will have to defend myself against throughout the day.
Everyday, I become more comfortable with the idea of NEVER having that love in my life again. No one shows any interest in me, and I go home happy. I have wonderful friends who I Love very much and who Love me. I get lots of hugs and have wonderful company. I get to pet wonderful animals (I have always loved touching, something that attracted the married woman to me). I wake up everyday knowing I will NOT be treated like shit, and if any one tries, I will defend myself. Life is Good! and I am Dancing At My Own Revolution!
Well, let me give a little history. I was raped when I was five. Childhood sexual abuse comes with a special damage that never really leaves, you just learn to deal with it better. I also grew up in a house with an alcoholic father and emotionless and loveless mother. My parents, for the last five years of my father's life, did nothing but YELL at each other anytime they were in the same room together.
I didn't date until I was 20. I had a girlfriend who used me. I left that relationship. I had an affair with a beautiful married woman, and though I loved her madly, she was married, and that didn't work out. I occasionally had sex with a friend for about 4 months, and then, for about four years, no woman showed any interest in me. Well, that's not exactly true. There were lots of women in committed relationships that thought I was adorable, and there were those words I heard over and over again: "If I were single..." However, single women found me repuslive. I couldn't get a date to save my life, and finally, I just gave up. Again, that old saying was proven wrong that if you stop trying, Love will finally come along.
Finally, a woman showed interest in me. Feeling so terribly lonely, I took the bait. Our relationship always felt uncomfortable to me, but hey, here was a woman who was actually interested in me, and was single. Once we were committed to get married, everything changed. Sex became a rare. We didn't even have sex the last 13 months we were together. I was told that I was "ugly" on occasion, but more often, I was just told how "bad" I looked, smelled, etc., how everything I did was wrong, and I found out she was complaining about me behind my back everytime she had a chance. Cuddling was a rare occurence and when it happened, it was brief. I was given looks of disgust by my wife everytime we were in public. She was basically telling me she was embarassed for settling for someone who looked like me. I cleaned more and more. I did whatever she told me. I poured all the love I could into our relationship. We adopted a wonderful little girl, Felicia, who is my third cousin. One day, my wife told me that I should wear pajamas to bed because to see my naked body was so disgusting. She didn't say it that way because referring to my body disgusted her, she gave me this look of revulsion that I will never forget. I decided to commit suicide. Not following through on my commitment to ending my life because I Love my daughter so much and myself just enough, I left my wife and went right into the arms of my second wife.
I was given lots of love and affection and told I looked nice...at first. Then the yelling started. It got more intense. I poured more Love into the relationship. I cooked and cleaned a lot. Every minor infraction would warrant a yelling sometimes so loud that she would actually be spitting in my face. I've been called a "stupid fucking idiot!" I had my race insulted repeatedly. I had my sex insulted repeatedly. I had my parenting insluted repeatedly. All of this overflowed into my daughters life as well, who was never good enough either. I was told I was genocidal. I was told I was abusive. I was reminded daily what a piece of shit I really am. Any compliments made about how I looked started to mean nothing because if I truly looked good as she told me, I don't believe she would have treated me in such a manner. It happened EVERY DAY! Every day I woke up, I would worry about how I would be yelled at that day. But I loved her. More love is the answer...No it's not. More love showed weakness and weakness was to be attacked in order to make...I have no idea. My religion was insulted as well. I was told frequently that I was hated by my last wife. Finally, my wife managed to verbally beat my love for her to death, and I left.
Thirteen and a half years of being treated like shit as well as being raised in a dysfunctional family pay a toll on ones soul.
Every morning I woke up, I worried about why I would be treated like shit today by the woman who alleged to love me most in the world. How can I avoid being treated like shit? What was so wrong with me that neither of these women could love me for me? A whole fucking lot! I lived a life of fear of being treated like shit any time I was around these two. How do I defend myself against the onslaught? How can I NOT be ugly today? How can I NOT be offensive today? How can I defend myself today against the women who allege to love me the most?
Now, I wake up, and the only person in my bed is me. It doesn't hurt to wake up. I don't fear waking up. I want to wake up. I try to make a difference in the world (something that was also insulted by both wives, though in different ways). I know today, I won't be treated like shit by the woman that alleges to love me most above all others because...she is not there to do so. If I remain alone, I remain happy.
I keep working on accepting the idea that I will NEVER have another lover relationship (I have over 40 years of life to go, yet). Sometimes I want to believe there is someone out there that will treat me with the love and respect I deserve, but a bigger part of me KNOWS that is not true. Maybe I DON'T deserve that type of love.
When I wake up, my bed is NOT empty. I am there. I think I'm a pretty decent fellow. I hate my body and see myself as ugly and unattractive, but that is NOT as important to me as changing the world for the better. Besides, my physical lack of attractiveness keeps away the women who will most likely eventually abuse me and treat me like shit for not being what they REALLY wanted.
I still look at and feel desire for women. However, I know that it is never mutual, and that is fine, because, like I said, I wake up in the morning, and there is no one in my bed who is going to treat me like shit whom I have to worry about how I will have to defend myself against throughout the day.
Everyday, I become more comfortable with the idea of NEVER having that love in my life again. No one shows any interest in me, and I go home happy. I have wonderful friends who I Love very much and who Love me. I get lots of hugs and have wonderful company. I get to pet wonderful animals (I have always loved touching, something that attracted the married woman to me). I wake up everyday knowing I will NOT be treated like shit, and if any one tries, I will defend myself. Life is Good! and I am Dancing At My Own Revolution!
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