Friday, October 28, 2005
"Something is dying..."
There is a line in a Saul Williams song that goes: "Something is dying inside of me. In spite of me."
I woke up this morning realizing that something inside of me is dying, and I wish it would hurry up and die.
I have been lonely a lot lately. My loneliness doesn't come with longing, it comes with asking myself if I'm willing to go through another significant hunk of my life being treated like shit by someone who alleges to love me most in the world. I have a consistent pattern of horrible relationships where I get treated like shit. I have NEVER had that love where my lover loves me back the way I would have loved to be loved. I get abused. I get used. I get treated like shit because I'm not the man they wanted. I'm something they settled for. I am fat, ugly, and generally unattractive and am way down on the list of women's choices for the love of their lives. It doesn't matter how much love I put into a relationship. It doesn't matter what actions I take. I am just not worthy of such love.
I was told many months ago that there were a lot of women interested in me. NONE have come forward. Not one. (I beleive this was told to me to build my confidence, NOT because it was true). I occasionally get those feining interest looks. But those intersts, if real, must have left those women quickly upon realizing just how unattractive I really am. Maybe they realized the same thing the women who tried to have committed relationships with me did after we got together: I am just not right. They would be settling for something less than they really want. That I have nothing to really offer.
This shit has been running through my head a lot lately, and it has been driving me nuts and is pissing me off.
Waking up this morning, I realized that part of me is dying. That part of me that wanted that wonderful love. That part of me that wanted great sex (only happened once in my life and not with either of my wives). That part of me that wanted companionship. That part of me that wants to love and be loved. It's dying. I wish it would just fucking die so I don't have to feel this stupid fucking bullshit anymore. It pisses me off. That love is not only something I don't deserve and am not worthy of, but it is something that will never happen for me. I am just not good enough for a woman.
I do have confidence in myself. I am determined to do my part to get the Revolution going so EVERYONE can enjoy having their basic human rights honored. I have confidence that I am and will do my part in this.
I have another 40+ years of my life left. A friend asked if I could live without that type of love for the rest of my life. Considering the fact that that type of love has done nothing but brought me pain and suffering, I'd have to say "YES." That yes indeed! I could live without being treated like shit by the person who alleges to love me most. I don't miss sex because it has only been great for me once, good a few times, and mediocre or bad most of the time. I haven't had sex for about 14 months now. Not a big deal to me. It's never been consistently good enough to make me want it bad enough to put myself in the line of fire.
NOW HURRY UP AND FUCKING DIE, THAT PART OF MYSELF, I'M SURE THAT READERS OF MY BLOG ARE GETTING FUCKING TIRED OF HEARING ABOUT YOU, AND I SURE AM GETTING TIRED OF WRITING ABOUT YOUR TIRED UGLY ASS! GO AWAY! DIE, DAMN YOU! DIE!
I woke up this morning realizing that something inside of me is dying, and I wish it would hurry up and die.
I have been lonely a lot lately. My loneliness doesn't come with longing, it comes with asking myself if I'm willing to go through another significant hunk of my life being treated like shit by someone who alleges to love me most in the world. I have a consistent pattern of horrible relationships where I get treated like shit. I have NEVER had that love where my lover loves me back the way I would have loved to be loved. I get abused. I get used. I get treated like shit because I'm not the man they wanted. I'm something they settled for. I am fat, ugly, and generally unattractive and am way down on the list of women's choices for the love of their lives. It doesn't matter how much love I put into a relationship. It doesn't matter what actions I take. I am just not worthy of such love.
I was told many months ago that there were a lot of women interested in me. NONE have come forward. Not one. (I beleive this was told to me to build my confidence, NOT because it was true). I occasionally get those feining interest looks. But those intersts, if real, must have left those women quickly upon realizing just how unattractive I really am. Maybe they realized the same thing the women who tried to have committed relationships with me did after we got together: I am just not right. They would be settling for something less than they really want. That I have nothing to really offer.
This shit has been running through my head a lot lately, and it has been driving me nuts and is pissing me off.
Waking up this morning, I realized that part of me is dying. That part of me that wanted that wonderful love. That part of me that wanted great sex (only happened once in my life and not with either of my wives). That part of me that wanted companionship. That part of me that wants to love and be loved. It's dying. I wish it would just fucking die so I don't have to feel this stupid fucking bullshit anymore. It pisses me off. That love is not only something I don't deserve and am not worthy of, but it is something that will never happen for me. I am just not good enough for a woman.
I do have confidence in myself. I am determined to do my part to get the Revolution going so EVERYONE can enjoy having their basic human rights honored. I have confidence that I am and will do my part in this.
I have another 40+ years of my life left. A friend asked if I could live without that type of love for the rest of my life. Considering the fact that that type of love has done nothing but brought me pain and suffering, I'd have to say "YES." That yes indeed! I could live without being treated like shit by the person who alleges to love me most. I don't miss sex because it has only been great for me once, good a few times, and mediocre or bad most of the time. I haven't had sex for about 14 months now. Not a big deal to me. It's never been consistently good enough to make me want it bad enough to put myself in the line of fire.
NOW HURRY UP AND FUCKING DIE, THAT PART OF MYSELF, I'M SURE THAT READERS OF MY BLOG ARE GETTING FUCKING TIRED OF HEARING ABOUT YOU, AND I SURE AM GETTING TIRED OF WRITING ABOUT YOUR TIRED UGLY ASS! GO AWAY! DIE, DAMN YOU! DIE!
Subscribe to Posts [Atom]