Pudgy Indian

I have been divorced from my last wife for a little over 13 months now. Yes, I am keeping count. I left my wife because she was verbally abusive to me and my daughter and I just couldn't take it anymore. I had asked for a divorce a month previous, but she talked me out of it and in three days time, she was back to the same person.

Two weeks before I left, I had a one time affair.

The clincher was when my daughter came up and talked with me about her cousin who had recently died. She was scared to talk to me about it because she was scared of my wife. I got tired of being scared of my wife as well. When my daughter and I finally talked about it, it was during his funeral, which she missed because of me. I kept her home because she wasn't talking about his death. It was because she was scared to talk about how she felt.

I had my daughter the following Thursday, and she was still scared to express her feelings to either of us for fear my wife would yell at her. She went back to her mom's on Friday (after she got out of school). I came home and told my wife I wanted a separation or divorce. We talked. I slept in the same bed with her one last time (no sex). I got up, packed up my clothes and told her I'd be back for the rest of my stuff the next day.

I made rounds with some friends to let them know what I just did, and they all praised me. I called my sister and asked if I could stay with her a while, and she was so glad that her "prayers had been answered" that she agreed.

When I finally got there, I started crying and crying and realized that I would NEVER go back or seek counseling with my wife, it was that bad for me.

I picked up my stuff the next day. I told my wife, first on the phone, then two weeks later in person, that I would NEVER be returning, nor would I be seeking counseling with her, it was that bad for me.

Because my wife considered me irresponsible, she NEVER put my name on anything, nor were we legally married. Those ties were not difficult to break, especially since she had me read all sorts of self help books and books about verbally abusive relationships concerning my first wife.

I first lived with my sister. That was nice and safe, and I was hardly ever home. I was buying a car from my last wife, but in December, she had found out about my affair and took the car from me and kept my money. No legal contract was signed, so her ripping me off had no legal recourse. However, the psychological benefits were ENORMOUS. I no longer had ANY connection with her. WOO-HOO!

I moved from my sisters and in with a friend. One of the rules was I was to have NO company. I violated that rule and she kicked me out, keeping all of my rent.

I then moved into a temporary place with Lisa "The Great" Loving and her husband and family. They are early morning people like me, so it was nice the days we would all get up together, drink coffee, and share the news and jokes. Felicia was welcomed there as well.

I started getting to know the new friends I made, Julie, LA, and Heidi. I wound up moving in with Heidi, where I have been living since, along with 6 (now 5) cats, 4 goats, 1 (now 2) dogs, and 1 (now 5) bunnies. We live in the Garden Home area, and it is like living on a farm. I love my housemate. She is so cool. Her husband, Traian, is home, and we get along well. We have another roommate, and her, I don't get along so well with.

Times have been up and down. One time I was so down (after I got kicked out by my crazy roommate before moving in with Lisa and her family) that I seriously contemplated suicide. All of it has been better than being verbally abused.

Sometimes I get lonely, but my logical mind always takes over the conversation. So much so, that I didn't even realize that the reason the type of conversations that popped in my head that would happen were because I was lonely. I would start asking myself if I even want to try a relationship ever again. Mostly, the answer is NO. There are times when I feel open to it, and women kinda sorta pay attention to me, but nothing ever happens, not even a date (though I kinda dated a little shortly after I left my wife). So women are NOT really interested in me in that manner. That is nice, because it gives me time to think and ask myself what I really want. I realize I wake up in the morning with only ME in my bed. I am not laying by someone who is gonna treat me like shit and that I feel I have to be on my guard so I don't get treated like shit that day (my guard never worked). I think of the line Lois says in "Ace Ventura: Pet Detective" (my daughter's favorite movie). She tells Ace "I'm gonna make your life a living hell!" Ace responds, "Sorry, Lois, but I'm not interested in having a relationship right now." That's me. Life was a living hell for me when I was with a woman. Now LIFE IS GOOD! When I'm lonely I immediately go to that question. Why do I want to be abused again? I know not all relationships are abusive, but mine SERIOUSLY sucked. Happiness, was not on the agenda.

I did as much as I could, too, to make both of my wives happy, but it was never good enough. I was never good enough. The first wife seemed to think of me as too Indian. The second wife seemed to think of me as not Indian enough. I cooked, I cleaned, I drove most of the time, I hugged, I cuddled, I kissed, and I Loved and Loved and Loved in hopes of being treated nice, but it just didn't work. Putting more love into an abusive relationship just doesn't work. Why would I want to screw up a life without abuse by getting into another relationship? More and more, I don't want to get into another relationship. I just don't think I can take a life of being treated like crap for being who I am.

There are NO women interested in me. I'm not particularly attractive, and no women show ANY apparent interest in me. I have many wonderful women friends (for the most part, I can't stand men), and we have great relationships. Why would I want to screw all that up by finding a lover who will most likely treat me like shit?

I go home, I have a wonderful housemate and animals to hang out with. I go to work, which I love, and have wonderful friends and co-workers there. I am having the best relationship with my daughter. I come to KBOO and just love this greatest place on earth. I go home, and wake up in the morning with my stuffed dog and kitty who NEVER treat me like shit. How can I beat that?

Sex? I can do that on my own. Do I need to say more?

Hugs I get a plenty from my friends. LIFE IS SO FUCKING GOOD!

I love being single. The funny thing is, so many people have told me that when one starts to think like that, that is when love comes into your life. Over the last 8 months I've started thinking like this off and on. When I think like this, I don't even get a sideways glance from a woman. Women don't seem to find me attractive. That works for me.

I'm settling more and more into being by myself. I ask myself regularly, "Can I be by myself the rest of my life?" I have another 40 or so years to go. The answer seems to be yes. I don't close the door on any possibilities, but it is easy to step out of the path of the dangers I believe a lover relationship brings.

I harbor NO belief that there is a woman somewhere in the world for me. I don't think there are any who can handle me as me.

I feel good being by myself. Loneliness isn't so bad. In fact, after the marriages I've had, loneliness is FUCKING GREAT! I know these types of relationships work well for some people out there. I'm not one of those people. I plan on staying this way as long as possible. Most likely, the rest of my life.

LIFE IS GOOD!