Tuesday, October 18, 2005
Lonely
I couldn't sleep again last night. I woke up shortly after midnight, got back to sleep around 3, and was up at 4. All that time gives me time to think.
I've recently been thinking about how I was treated like such shit when I was married. Since the women who alleged to love me the most treated me like such shit, I also started thinking why the hell would I even think of trying to do something like that again.
I go through phases of wanting to pursue love and never wanting to have a relationship like that again. As I was thinking about the meaness involved in my previous relationships, I connect that with any potential love relationship. Combine that with the fact that I was slightly ill made the feeling of not wanting a relationship even more strong. When I would get ill, I would be treated even worse than regular by both wives. How dare I get ill when I was supposed to serve their every need. Me being sick was just an inconvenience to them and the thought of making me comfortable while I was ill seemed unthinkable to them both. Because of this treatment, I have a strong immune system. My emotional system, however, is still pretty fucking damaged.
I wonder about these fluctuations and realized I feel lonely. Instead of allowing myself to feel this loneliness, I step into my self-defense mode. I tell myself things like: "there isn't a woman who can handle the way I am nor accept me for who I am" (which I believe to be true), "I'm fat and unnatractive" (which I am), etc. I fear falling into something that is again horrible and brutal to me. The best way to keep myself safe is to not try again.
Then there is that natural tendency in life to want to find someone to be with. A companion to love and live with. I miss cuddling, but with cuddling often came verbal abuse, so I fear it also. Better to cuddle my stuffed kitty and dog than someone who could potentially brutalize my emotions. I get plenty of hugs as well, which helps. However, I don't feel my lonliness. I feel my fear and pain when I feel lonely. I realized that last night as I lay in bed unable to sleep. It is only natural.
None of this, however, remains carved in stone. Tomorrow, I may change my mind and again pursue love. What's funny is when I pursue love, women notice me. It is all feining interest, and soon they are gone, usually to never be seen again. When there is any sign of serious potential, there is usually someone or something around to screw up my wet dream, and at night, I lay in bed, and no one is treating me like shit. That is so nice.
My friends tell me when I feel like this, never wanting a relationship again, that that is when it usually happens. That's a bunch of bullshit. I have felt like this more often than not since my birthday in January, and during those times is when women are noticeably uninterested in me. There is absolutely NO feining interest.
Tomorrow, I may not even be thinking about this. It will just become a part of who I am. And I won't write about it here again until those natural feelings of loneliness creep in and my defense mechanism amp up to remind me that all I received for my efforts in love have been pain. I will never forget.
I've recently been thinking about how I was treated like such shit when I was married. Since the women who alleged to love me the most treated me like such shit, I also started thinking why the hell would I even think of trying to do something like that again.
I go through phases of wanting to pursue love and never wanting to have a relationship like that again. As I was thinking about the meaness involved in my previous relationships, I connect that with any potential love relationship. Combine that with the fact that I was slightly ill made the feeling of not wanting a relationship even more strong. When I would get ill, I would be treated even worse than regular by both wives. How dare I get ill when I was supposed to serve their every need. Me being sick was just an inconvenience to them and the thought of making me comfortable while I was ill seemed unthinkable to them both. Because of this treatment, I have a strong immune system. My emotional system, however, is still pretty fucking damaged.
I wonder about these fluctuations and realized I feel lonely. Instead of allowing myself to feel this loneliness, I step into my self-defense mode. I tell myself things like: "there isn't a woman who can handle the way I am nor accept me for who I am" (which I believe to be true), "I'm fat and unnatractive" (which I am), etc. I fear falling into something that is again horrible and brutal to me. The best way to keep myself safe is to not try again.
Then there is that natural tendency in life to want to find someone to be with. A companion to love and live with. I miss cuddling, but with cuddling often came verbal abuse, so I fear it also. Better to cuddle my stuffed kitty and dog than someone who could potentially brutalize my emotions. I get plenty of hugs as well, which helps. However, I don't feel my lonliness. I feel my fear and pain when I feel lonely. I realized that last night as I lay in bed unable to sleep. It is only natural.
None of this, however, remains carved in stone. Tomorrow, I may change my mind and again pursue love. What's funny is when I pursue love, women notice me. It is all feining interest, and soon they are gone, usually to never be seen again. When there is any sign of serious potential, there is usually someone or something around to screw up my wet dream, and at night, I lay in bed, and no one is treating me like shit. That is so nice.
My friends tell me when I feel like this, never wanting a relationship again, that that is when it usually happens. That's a bunch of bullshit. I have felt like this more often than not since my birthday in January, and during those times is when women are noticeably uninterested in me. There is absolutely NO feining interest.
Tomorrow, I may not even be thinking about this. It will just become a part of who I am. And I won't write about it here again until those natural feelings of loneliness creep in and my defense mechanism amp up to remind me that all I received for my efforts in love have been pain. I will never forget.
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