Saturday, October 29, 2005
I found a gift
For those of you who have been reading my blog, you've undoubtedly been reading my whiny ass bullshit about the pain I suffered during my two marriages. Well...I think I found the gift at the end of my whiny ass bullshit.
Friday, we picked up a donation of an antique doctors scale. I'm still 5' 9 3/4". I have also gained 26 pounds over the summer and weigh in at an impressive 235. Wow! I wasn't sure what to think. It didn't bother me, but it seemed like a physical sign to something going on in my spirit.
This morning, while walking across the Burnside Bridge, I came to a realization. Because of my own self-hatred issues stemming from childhood sexual abuse, dysfunctional alcoholic co-dependent family stuff, and 13 and 1/2 years of marriages where I was verbally and emotionally abused by the women who alleged to love me most, I came to the following conclusion: In order to protect myself from someone wanting to fall in love with me and treat me like shit yet again, I took on that role myself. I've treated myself with hatred and disgust so that no woman would have to. That way, I wouldn't wake up next to the enemy and wonder (like I had for so many years) how I was gonna defend myself against the woman laying beside me. I took on both roles. I hated myself more profusely than ever and have treated myself accordingly. This, I wrongly beleived, to be protecting myself from any potential lover that would take on that role for me.
Understanding that I am my own worst enemy, I realized that I don't have to be. I can treat myself any way I want to because I don't NEED to protect myself from me. I'm fine.
When I was with my last wife, I started working out. I worked out for 90 minutes EVERYDAY. One day I saw the top two cans in a potential six pack, and it scared the fuck out of me. After I left, I continued to work out, but the desire started dying in me. I fell into my self-loathing to protect myself.
I am working on the decision now to no longer hate myself. There are no women expressing interest in me so I don't have to defend myself against anyone. I no longer have to defend myself against myself, either, should I choose not to. With that in mind, what do I want for myself?
I want to work on my health. The first right is health. My only real health issue is my weight. I'm considering working out again. (Not 90 minutes worth, though. Not right away, anyway.) I'm considering changing my eating habits.
I still did a few things to take care of myself. I took care of my skin daily. I still exercise regularly (riding bike, hiking, work). I take care of my hair. I occasionally take vitamins. I am still capable of taking care of and loving myself. It'll be nice to work out again. It's good for mental health as well as physical. I can start taking my vitamins daily again. There are a lot of things I can do.
The most important thing...It would be best to work on Revolution from a place of good health, both physical and mental. Revolution is the most important thing to me. Revolution is the healthiest choice for a healthy world in my opinion. The current system, no matter who you vote for, is NOT healthy for the people. A healthy Indian for a healthy Revolution!
So, I found a gift...at the end of my whiny ass bullshit. I knew it was there. Thank you to those who have endured my bullshit. Choosing good health is the gift. No one can take that choice from me, except me. Not even a lover.
See you all at the Revolution!
Friday, we picked up a donation of an antique doctors scale. I'm still 5' 9 3/4". I have also gained 26 pounds over the summer and weigh in at an impressive 235. Wow! I wasn't sure what to think. It didn't bother me, but it seemed like a physical sign to something going on in my spirit.
This morning, while walking across the Burnside Bridge, I came to a realization. Because of my own self-hatred issues stemming from childhood sexual abuse, dysfunctional alcoholic co-dependent family stuff, and 13 and 1/2 years of marriages where I was verbally and emotionally abused by the women who alleged to love me most, I came to the following conclusion: In order to protect myself from someone wanting to fall in love with me and treat me like shit yet again, I took on that role myself. I've treated myself with hatred and disgust so that no woman would have to. That way, I wouldn't wake up next to the enemy and wonder (like I had for so many years) how I was gonna defend myself against the woman laying beside me. I took on both roles. I hated myself more profusely than ever and have treated myself accordingly. This, I wrongly beleived, to be protecting myself from any potential lover that would take on that role for me.
Understanding that I am my own worst enemy, I realized that I don't have to be. I can treat myself any way I want to because I don't NEED to protect myself from me. I'm fine.
When I was with my last wife, I started working out. I worked out for 90 minutes EVERYDAY. One day I saw the top two cans in a potential six pack, and it scared the fuck out of me. After I left, I continued to work out, but the desire started dying in me. I fell into my self-loathing to protect myself.
I am working on the decision now to no longer hate myself. There are no women expressing interest in me so I don't have to defend myself against anyone. I no longer have to defend myself against myself, either, should I choose not to. With that in mind, what do I want for myself?
I want to work on my health. The first right is health. My only real health issue is my weight. I'm considering working out again. (Not 90 minutes worth, though. Not right away, anyway.) I'm considering changing my eating habits.
I still did a few things to take care of myself. I took care of my skin daily. I still exercise regularly (riding bike, hiking, work). I take care of my hair. I occasionally take vitamins. I am still capable of taking care of and loving myself. It'll be nice to work out again. It's good for mental health as well as physical. I can start taking my vitamins daily again. There are a lot of things I can do.
The most important thing...It would be best to work on Revolution from a place of good health, both physical and mental. Revolution is the most important thing to me. Revolution is the healthiest choice for a healthy world in my opinion. The current system, no matter who you vote for, is NOT healthy for the people. A healthy Indian for a healthy Revolution!
So, I found a gift...at the end of my whiny ass bullshit. I knew it was there. Thank you to those who have endured my bullshit. Choosing good health is the gift. No one can take that choice from me, except me. Not even a lover.
See you all at the Revolution!
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