Tuesday, September 27, 2005
Relationships
Being single, I think of relationships fairly often.
I find myself to be completely unnattractive. There are reasons for this, some of which I don't feel comfortable talking about. I will talk about a few, though.
My first wife used to hate to be seen in public with me. She hated how I looked, smelled, etc. I did everything wrong. She complained about me to my face and to everyone who would listen. 8 long years I put up with that.
My second wife said I looked nice, but she pounded my soul to no end. She daily brought up some of the things I won't talk about here yet. She told me she hated me regularly. At first it was she hated parts of me then it was just "I HATE YOU!" The verbal abuse was tough to take until she finally beat the love I had for her out of me. She even told me I was guilty of genocide. She told me that I was everything that I hate. And, well, I do a pretty good job of hating myself.
So, my two big relationships were abusive and horrible. No matter how much love I showered on these women, it did no good. I was never what either of them wanted. They hated me and they showed me that pretty much daily (though for different reasons). I am an inadequate human being and they were willing to tell me. They wanted something else, and I wasn't it. I don't look forward to that dimension in a relationship.
But like I said, I don't consider myself attractive in any way, shape, or form. That is just me.
I've been told there are women interested in me, but there are no women knocking on my door, walking up the path to my door, and the street outside my life is pretty much abandoned. No one shows interest in me, and that's OK (even though I've been told there are women interested in me, none have come forward).
It's OK that I don't have a relationship. I'm happy by myself. I was miserable in my two marriages. I just don't think any woman would be happy with me as who I am. They would want someone different than me and treat me accordingly since I don't fit in the box they want me to. I could be wrong, but no one is coming forward to do so, and like I said that is OK.
I am happy with myself. I love my life. Life is good. I can be single the rest of my life. I don't mind. I have an empire to bring down. I have human rights to gain for all of my fellow human beings. I have a lot of work to do. Heck, people are worried that I'll be murdered for the work I'm doing now, and if you listen to my radio show, you know the work that I'm doing. I want it all back. Every last bit of it.
But this post is about relationships. I have a relationship with myself that I enjoy. I have a relationship with friends, acquaintances, etc. Life is good. Live is very very good. I love my life. I can do it alone. I don't mind. Alone, I'm not getting treated like shit. Alone, I can be with my friends, or not. I can hide, or not. I can work on revolution, or not. I can be good to myself, or not. I'm fine with myself. Even though I believe I am completely unnattractive, I love myself. Life is good! Life is good! Look out world, I'm coming to take it all back!
I find myself to be completely unnattractive. There are reasons for this, some of which I don't feel comfortable talking about. I will talk about a few, though.
My first wife used to hate to be seen in public with me. She hated how I looked, smelled, etc. I did everything wrong. She complained about me to my face and to everyone who would listen. 8 long years I put up with that.
My second wife said I looked nice, but she pounded my soul to no end. She daily brought up some of the things I won't talk about here yet. She told me she hated me regularly. At first it was she hated parts of me then it was just "I HATE YOU!" The verbal abuse was tough to take until she finally beat the love I had for her out of me. She even told me I was guilty of genocide. She told me that I was everything that I hate. And, well, I do a pretty good job of hating myself.
So, my two big relationships were abusive and horrible. No matter how much love I showered on these women, it did no good. I was never what either of them wanted. They hated me and they showed me that pretty much daily (though for different reasons). I am an inadequate human being and they were willing to tell me. They wanted something else, and I wasn't it. I don't look forward to that dimension in a relationship.
But like I said, I don't consider myself attractive in any way, shape, or form. That is just me.
I've been told there are women interested in me, but there are no women knocking on my door, walking up the path to my door, and the street outside my life is pretty much abandoned. No one shows interest in me, and that's OK (even though I've been told there are women interested in me, none have come forward).
It's OK that I don't have a relationship. I'm happy by myself. I was miserable in my two marriages. I just don't think any woman would be happy with me as who I am. They would want someone different than me and treat me accordingly since I don't fit in the box they want me to. I could be wrong, but no one is coming forward to do so, and like I said that is OK.
I am happy with myself. I love my life. Life is good. I can be single the rest of my life. I don't mind. I have an empire to bring down. I have human rights to gain for all of my fellow human beings. I have a lot of work to do. Heck, people are worried that I'll be murdered for the work I'm doing now, and if you listen to my radio show, you know the work that I'm doing. I want it all back. Every last bit of it.
But this post is about relationships. I have a relationship with myself that I enjoy. I have a relationship with friends, acquaintances, etc. Life is good. Live is very very good. I love my life. I can do it alone. I don't mind. Alone, I'm not getting treated like shit. Alone, I can be with my friends, or not. I can hide, or not. I can work on revolution, or not. I can be good to myself, or not. I'm fine with myself. Even though I believe I am completely unnattractive, I love myself. Life is good! Life is good! Look out world, I'm coming to take it all back!
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