Friday, September 09, 2005
Love
I have been writing here for a while now. There are many things on my mind right now, but I'm being distracted by a presence as I write this. I do plan on writing about how politicians dems and reps alike, hate the American people and are willing to make us suffer horribly so they can ride high on the hog. Louisiana and Mississippi are proof positive of that.
I've been working on healing from 13 and a half years in two different relationships. The first one I was told how bad I looked, smelled, and how everything I did was wrong. I worked hard for her, and she even would harass me while I was ill until I would do housework to her satisfaction. She hardly worked and my money disappeared, and I never questioned her like a fool. She would look at me in public to make it OBVIOUS she was embarassed to be seen with me. We adopted a child together, and that didn't help things either. It didn't make them worse, either. My daughter is one of the most awesome people I know. So, I worked hard, came home and worked, and got treated like shit for my efforts. I was completely unnattractive to my wife, whom you'd think that the person you marry would love how you looked. I'm a fool.
Finally, after becoming suicidal, I decided it was best to leave, and I went right into the arms of number two. She became verbally abusive, screaming at me to the point of spitting in my face. She created a war between my first wife and herself that made life so tense for ALL involved. I took a beating from her once. Threats of violence. Being told he hates me. Being told she wished we lived apart. Being told how inadequate I was. Being called stupid. She did tell me I looked nice and had a nice body, but to receive that and then receive the verbal abuse made me wonder. How could someone think I'm nice looking and treat me that way? I must truly be ugly inside and out.
Mind you, I do have my problems. I have a tendency to be submissive, but I don't think that will happen again if I ever allow myself to fall in love again. I will not, however, become agressive, either. I will not allow my daughter to be abused again, either. I strongly fear falling in love again. What if it happens again? I know it wasn't all me, now. I did everything I could to please. I did most everything I was asked to do in the first relationship. I cooked, cleaned, drove, worked, etc., in the second relationship. I gave all the love I could, thinking that if I just gave more love, maybe I could get what I need out of these relationships. Such is not the case. Things just don't happen that way, and even amateur therapists can tell you that my behavior was dysfunctional.
Like I said, I'm no box of candy. I'm hardcore political. I am a revolutionary. I read avidly. I smoke a lot of dope, which I don't consider a problem. Marijuana has helped me deal with my PTSD issues around my personal history. I don't dress well. I don't eat well, and lately, I've had problems with eating. It's not because I'm fat, I get hungry, I just have little desire to eat even though I am hungry. My housemate cooks some of the most wonderful meals when we eat together, but emotionally, I just sometimes can't handle the idea of eating. I am fat. I'm not particularly good to look at. I'm smart. I'm an Indian. I'm scared shitless and I'm one brave mother-fucker. I fall down, I get up, assess my damage, and move on if I'm capable, which, I'm usually capable.
Fall in love again? I don't know. I know people have good relationships. I see it all around me. Am I capable? Do I care? I have other fish to fry. I have an empire to bring down. I have to live my life as best as I can as well as try to create a situation where life can be good and healthy emotionally and physically for one and all.
Sunday, September 18, it will be one year since I have been on my own. I've gone through four different residences. I've created wonderful friendships and strengthened others. I've lost friendships and still I'm standing. Still I'm walking. And still, more than anything else, I want the HUMAN RIGHTS of one and all honored by ALL NATIONS, especially the most horrific and genocidal nation to have ever existed, the UNITED STATES OF AMERICA.
I shake my fist in the face of the world. Let's stand up and take it all back because I LOVE THIS WORLD.
So, falling in love takes a backseat for the most part to Revolution. But it is also something I want for one and all. The ability to have PLEASURE in ones life. I do have pleasure in mine.
I have never been happier. NEVER. I have been so happy since I made myself single. IF I ever fall in love again, it will only be IF it makes me feel happier than I do right now. I have even been suicidal in this last year and I was even happier then than when I was married to either wife.
September 18, will have been a year. I'm thinking of holding a little celebration the following weekend as I don't get paid until the 20th. As wild and as hectic as it has been, this last year has been the best year of my life.
I've been working on healing from 13 and a half years in two different relationships. The first one I was told how bad I looked, smelled, and how everything I did was wrong. I worked hard for her, and she even would harass me while I was ill until I would do housework to her satisfaction. She hardly worked and my money disappeared, and I never questioned her like a fool. She would look at me in public to make it OBVIOUS she was embarassed to be seen with me. We adopted a child together, and that didn't help things either. It didn't make them worse, either. My daughter is one of the most awesome people I know. So, I worked hard, came home and worked, and got treated like shit for my efforts. I was completely unnattractive to my wife, whom you'd think that the person you marry would love how you looked. I'm a fool.
Finally, after becoming suicidal, I decided it was best to leave, and I went right into the arms of number two. She became verbally abusive, screaming at me to the point of spitting in my face. She created a war between my first wife and herself that made life so tense for ALL involved. I took a beating from her once. Threats of violence. Being told he hates me. Being told she wished we lived apart. Being told how inadequate I was. Being called stupid. She did tell me I looked nice and had a nice body, but to receive that and then receive the verbal abuse made me wonder. How could someone think I'm nice looking and treat me that way? I must truly be ugly inside and out.
Mind you, I do have my problems. I have a tendency to be submissive, but I don't think that will happen again if I ever allow myself to fall in love again. I will not, however, become agressive, either. I will not allow my daughter to be abused again, either. I strongly fear falling in love again. What if it happens again? I know it wasn't all me, now. I did everything I could to please. I did most everything I was asked to do in the first relationship. I cooked, cleaned, drove, worked, etc., in the second relationship. I gave all the love I could, thinking that if I just gave more love, maybe I could get what I need out of these relationships. Such is not the case. Things just don't happen that way, and even amateur therapists can tell you that my behavior was dysfunctional.
Like I said, I'm no box of candy. I'm hardcore political. I am a revolutionary. I read avidly. I smoke a lot of dope, which I don't consider a problem. Marijuana has helped me deal with my PTSD issues around my personal history. I don't dress well. I don't eat well, and lately, I've had problems with eating. It's not because I'm fat, I get hungry, I just have little desire to eat even though I am hungry. My housemate cooks some of the most wonderful meals when we eat together, but emotionally, I just sometimes can't handle the idea of eating. I am fat. I'm not particularly good to look at. I'm smart. I'm an Indian. I'm scared shitless and I'm one brave mother-fucker. I fall down, I get up, assess my damage, and move on if I'm capable, which, I'm usually capable.
Fall in love again? I don't know. I know people have good relationships. I see it all around me. Am I capable? Do I care? I have other fish to fry. I have an empire to bring down. I have to live my life as best as I can as well as try to create a situation where life can be good and healthy emotionally and physically for one and all.
Sunday, September 18, it will be one year since I have been on my own. I've gone through four different residences. I've created wonderful friendships and strengthened others. I've lost friendships and still I'm standing. Still I'm walking. And still, more than anything else, I want the HUMAN RIGHTS of one and all honored by ALL NATIONS, especially the most horrific and genocidal nation to have ever existed, the UNITED STATES OF AMERICA.
I shake my fist in the face of the world. Let's stand up and take it all back because I LOVE THIS WORLD.
So, falling in love takes a backseat for the most part to Revolution. But it is also something I want for one and all. The ability to have PLEASURE in ones life. I do have pleasure in mine.
I have never been happier. NEVER. I have been so happy since I made myself single. IF I ever fall in love again, it will only be IF it makes me feel happier than I do right now. I have even been suicidal in this last year and I was even happier then than when I was married to either wife.
September 18, will have been a year. I'm thinking of holding a little celebration the following weekend as I don't get paid until the 20th. As wild and as hectic as it has been, this last year has been the best year of my life.
Subscribe to Posts [Atom]